In the age of coronavirus, we’ve all been forced to change and adapt. But for as long as I can remember, I’ve had to outrun dozens of tiny elves that are completely invisible to others, so you can rest easy knowing I’ve got quarantine under control.

The six-inch tall elves have pursued me since the day I was born without revealing themselves to anyone else, and have forced me to live in fear of their human-like yet extremely sharp teeth, but it’s cool, guys. Obviously that’s given me the knowledge on how to survive the coronavirus pandemic and all the restrictions established to slow its spread. 

Don’t let their size or selective visibility deceive you. The few times they’ve caught up to me are too traumatic to detail. But slow your roll, folks, all is well. Clearly the skills I have learned here, in the endless nightmare of low-speed festive chase that is my life, are exactly the skills necessary to maintain my physical and mental well-being during this international crisis.

Yes, I am in a constant state of anxious fleeing, not unlike a gazelle in the African savannah. And yes, I am the only one who knows it is happening at all. But quarantine is pretty much the same thing as that. So everything is going to be totally fine, guys.

So if you guys are worried about quarantine, you don’t need to look any further for advice. My experiences have prepared me for our current situation, and I am happy to share what I’ve learned with others who aren’t constantly being chased by a pack of minute, semi-invisible elves.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.