President Donald Trump will pardon Ethel and Julius Rosenberg posthumously, the White House announced today. The Rosenbergs were convicted of providing top secret information about US technology and nuclear weapon designs to the Soviets, and were executed in 1953 for their crimes. Now, Trump’s Administration claims they were actually innocent.
“They’ve done so much for Russia… I mean America,” Trump said about the decision. He elaborated on the Rosenbergs, saying “They were tremendous people, and I will tell you they loved America just as much as I do, though not quite as much as I do, because I love America the most, but they loved America a lot.”
When asked about his motivation for the decision, Trump explained “my friends told me they love the Rosenbergs so much. They told me the Rosenbergs were very fine people, and so I decided to pardon them.” When pressed to reveal which friends had spoken so highly of the Rosenbergs, he deflected. “I have lots of friends; no one has as many friends as me,” he said. “You probably don’t have friends, but I have many many friends.”
When asked why the White House decided to do this, despite all the evidence that the Rosenbergs actually were traitors, and the fact that they they have been dead for 67 years, Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “They were the victims of a hoax to hurt good Americans, and so the U.S. is recognizing this awful mistake now.”
Trump also commented on the evidence that the Rosenbergs were traitors. “There is no evidence,” he said. “They were treated very unfairly; they said they were not spies. It was very unfair.”
The decision to pardon the Rosenbergs will likely be well-received by Trump’s base. “This is exactly what America needs right now,” Trump supporter Cliff White said. “We can’t let the Russians tell us who to execute.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Io Gilman at ioyehgilman ‘at’ gmail.com.