As a further step in advancing Stanford’s new ResX initiative, we have revised our plan from seniority-based housing assignments to a sorting system using a standardized examination. In addition to the millions of short essays a prospective Stanford student must write for their application, students must also take an aptitude test to determine which neighborhood they will be assigned.
The Stanford Aptitude Test for Neighborhood Sorting, or SATANS for short, was created by the world-class examination company Buzzfeed to aid the University in forcing groups of students together into isolated neighborhoods across campus, in the hope that at least one friendship will emerge. The test factors in personality, foot size, IQ, carb intake, narcissism and other important metrics, and the test will determine which sector of the Farm an incoming student will call home.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What is ResX?
ResX is Stanford’s way of subtly realizing that they are a couple of hundred years behind other universities’ residential college systems.
Q: Why is ResX?
The University felt it was time for a change because with students not being on campus for the past year, they had to find something to do to fill the time.
Q: What does the Stanford Aptitude Test for Neighborhood Sorting (SATANS) look like?
It is a series of multiple choice, short answer and true/false questions as well as an intricate physical and mental strength test in which we alter your senses with a serum and observe your problem solving skills as well as your fight-or-flight response.
Q: What will the neighborhoods be like?
The neighborhoods are unique and tailored to the group of students residing there! Each one has its own regional accent, mandatory clothing color scheme, customized war insignia and even an intricate handshake greeting.
Q: Can I leave a neighborhood after being assigned?
No. This is your home now. There is no escaping the results of the test. Additionally, we are planning to build gates around each neighborhood to enclose and protect from threats.
Q: What threats?
No comment.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Alexis Echano at aechano ‘at’ stanford.edu.