Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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To Ms. Melinda French Gates,

As a proud member of the Stanford community, I am respectfully shocked by the University’s decision to appoint you as the Commencement Day speaker for the Class of 2024. The decision, and your acquiescence, reflects not only an unwillingness to measure the opinions of the student body but also an eagerness to endorse the systems of wealth that established your public position.

By speaking at Commencement, you will demonstrate to our graduating class that success in America is determined not by hard labor or entrepreneurial spirit, but by proximity to enormous wealth. After all, Ms. Gates, your philanthropic platform, although ostensibly committed to “giving charitably,” benefits directly from investment assets accrued mercilessly in the private sector. You pursue noble humanitarian causes, often in lower-income and Third World countries, although your wealth is generated on the backs of cheap labor employed in those countries. You are speaking at the graduation of your own daughter, yet you do not recognize the incredulity of that situation, nor that you profit from a culture of sustained privilege and institutional elitism.

Ms. Gates, you are the epitome of unearned affluence. Even your maiden name, “French,” contains Eurocentric and colonial undertones that have no place in the modern world. It is a disgrace that you will soon speak to aspiring self-made entrepreneurs about how to navigate life after graduation, when your own lifestyle was not in any way earned by your merits. Ms. Gates, it is time you acknowledged that your immense wealth was bestowed upon you by none other than Bill Gates, your husband. Er … I mean … ex-husband.

Hmm.

Wait a minute. Can we try this again?

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To the newly single Melinda French Gates, 

As a proud member of the Stanford community, I am respectfully thrilled by the decision to elect you Commencement speaker for the Class of 2024. The decision, and your acquiescence, has made me pee a little from excitement. In fact, I volunteer to personally show you around campus.

Please do not assume that I am pining after you in a pathetic attempt to marry into your immense wealth. Rather, I am expressing my deep approval of the decades of experience that you will bestow upon our graduating class as they embark on … oh, who cares. Did you know I’ve been working out? Yeah, I’m not like those software engineers that you’re used to, ‘cause I lift free weights. I’m talking tens, or even hundreds of pounds. Have you ever seen someone bicep curl an entire 2003 Windows Vista Computer Companion Keyboard? Do you wanna?

It’s great that you’ve directed your considerable power toward humanitarian causes, because I, too, care about improving people’s lives. Specifically, my own. Do you have any idea how much street cred a guy gets for marrying Melinda French Gates? I’ve been needing the clout ever since I posted an Instagram story listing my least favorite songs from “Hamilton” and ended up getting blacklisted from several law schools in the process. But you and I, we’d be a power couple. Between us, we’ve got hundreds of millions of dollars, a platform for transformative social impact, global respect and prestige and a starter coupon from P.F. Chang’s that I found in my dorm’s common room a few weeks ago. We’d be unstoppable!

Some have pointed out that you’re speaking at the graduation of your own daughter, a member of the Class of 2024. Now, she might be initially taken aback by our situation. Over time, however, I’m sure she will come to view me as a cool, mysterious stepfather who is only a few years younger than her. I could even take her out to bonding activities, like mini-golf, or speculative birding, or other things that cost less than $40 per person. But, y’know, if you have any spare yachts lying around, that would work too.

I can’t wait to hear your speech, because I really can’t stop thinking about you. Even your maiden name, “French,” contains irresistibly romantic European undertones. After your speech, maybe we could fly to Paris for a candlelit dinner by the Seine. I’ll pay, as long as you reimburse me afterward, because I really can’t afford that kind of thing. Does your Foundation happen to budget for passionate transatlantic getaways?

Ms. Gates, I believe you are the ideal candidate to be our Commencement speaker for the Class of 2024. More importantly, however, I believe you are the ideal life partner. And I know I’m not the perfect guy — but what I lack in riches, I make up for in sheer desperation. So in no uncertain terms, I beg you: This Commencement, open your mind to the possibility of commencing something new. Something beautiful, and sweetly romantic. Something … like a charity … of love.

If not, I’m off to flirt with Bill.