New products for the politically disinclined

Don’t have an opinion, but too afraid to get one? Then buy one of Neutral Link’s politically ambiguous goods!

Neutral Link products can help defuse campus tension. (Photo: CHRIS DELGADO/The Stanford Daily).
Humor by Janina Troper
Published Oct. 31, 2024, 11:12 p.m., last updated Oct. 31, 2024, 11:13 p.m.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Can’t decide but still want to be part of the movement? Don’t want to have an opinion? No problem! Introducing Neutral Link’s brand new product line:

This bumper sticker!

A bumper sticker that says "Honk if you like capitalism or communism or neither."
Aumper sticker that reads “HONK IF YOU LIKE CAPITALISM OR COMMUNISM OR NEITHER.” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

This Trump / Harris hat!

A hat that is red on one side and blue on the other. The red side says "Trump," while the blue side says "Harris."
A double-brimmed Trump / Harris hat. (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

This shirt!

A white T shirt with the writing "Love Not/Or Hate."
A shirt with the slogan: “Love Not/Or Hate.” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

Also this shirt!

A T-shirt with "life" on one side and "choice" on the other.
A reversible t-shirt with “Life” on one side and “Choice” on the other. (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

These cut-out stickers that feature different messages!

Three stickers. One says "eat garbage, Kamala," another says "eat garbage, Trump," whereas the other one says "I'm not an independent."
Translucent stickers that feature different messages. One side says “EAT GARBAGE, KAMALA,” another says “EAT GARBAGE, TRUMP” and a third reads “I’M NOT AN INDEPENDENT.” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

A roll of “Good Mouth Tape” (then you CAN’T pitch in!)

A roll of tape.
A roll of “Good Mouth Tape.” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

This sticker!

A sticker with the text "It's not that I don't believe in climate change. I just don't believe in anything."
A sticker that says “It’s not that I don’t believe in climate change; I just don’t believe in ANYTHING!” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

Yet another shirt!

A shirt with the writing "All news is fake news."
A shirt that says “ALL News is Fake News.” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

And one more shirt, just because!

A shirt with three check boxes for Democrat, Republican and whatever. The "whatever" box is checked.
A shirt that has empty checkboxes next to  “Democrat” and “Republican,” but a big check mark next to “whatever.” (Graphic: DA-HEE KIM/The Stanford Daily)

Buy our products to make no difference in politics, today!

Janina Troper is a Humor writer for the Stanford Daily. Contact her at humor "at" stanforddaily.com.

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