Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The age-old question. When “The Knickerbocker” first ran the famous anti-joke in 1847, America’s leading minds set to work on seeking an answer. Their attempts were feeble, however, without the sharp wit of The Daily’s most cunning linguists. So, we asked The Daily’s Humor Section: Why did the chicken cross the road?
“Because she was locked in an intense game of chicken with a Toyota RAV-4” – Sam Lustgarten ’26, Managing Editor, proud winner (and flattener) of chicken
“The chicken calculated this as the best way to maximize her utility subject to a budget constraint” – Garrett Khatchaturian ’28, Desk Editor, moments after leaving Econ 50
“She lost her will to live, and Popeyes closes in 10” – Judy Akel ’29, who wrote this with no mealswipes left
“Her left side of the road visa expired” – Richard Chen ’27, proud 51st state resident
“She mistook ‘co-op’ for coup” – Mason Barret ’28, adamant Bigfoot believer
“To flip the bird at a cyclist” – Jenny Ballutay ’28, on sabbatical at court-appointed anger management
“She wanted to network across disciplines – specifically road engineering” – Vivian Kao ’29, LinkedIn Premium subscriber
“Because there were fast cars, but there was also a bottle of alcohol on the other side” – Daniel Xu ’29, who has several friends that assure him they can stop at any time
“She was running from ICE (She lays brown eggs)” – Ocheze Amuzie ’25, recently deported for chicken-related thought crimes
“Because checkpoints are now the only way to get to Stanford’s free speech zones” – Sebastian Strawser ’29, who was just whisked away by OCS
“Because jaywalking is legal now, bitch – get with the program” – Sophia Zhou ’29, who jaywalked to get here
“Her state was gerrymandered, and she was moving to a more competitive district on the other side” – Sia Liu ’29, still waiting for her vote to count
“To make a viral video about DESTROYING the other side” – Kyle Gerstel ’29, listens to Jubilee to fall asleep
“Kristi Noem moved on from dogs” – Paul Fertig ’29, prospective DIY euthanasia veterinarian
… to get to the other side 🙂