Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Stanford is officially searching for a new mascot after President Donald Trump demanded an end to greenwashing across the nation. In his latest blow to universities, Stanford has been given just six weeks to cut ties with its “environmentally aligned” mascot, the tree, in favor of one that “better reflects Trump’s VERY POPULAR vision for AMERICA.” As leverage, the Trump administration threatened the University’s already dwindling research funding.
Trump has propositioned University president Jonathan Levin ’94 to instead change the mascot to, “The Oil Barons,” posting on Truth Social early Thursday that “TREES ARE TOO WOKE. I’m tired of trees. Money doesn’t grow on them. You know what is better than trees?! OIL! It’s oil that built this nation and it’s oil this nation runs on! Stanford, get a REAL mascot!!!”
Some students appear to be unaware of this news. We spoke with one athlete who said, “I didn’t know we had a mascot. I thought it was just red, right? Is this a trick question?”
Another athlete from the same group added, “Stanford has been way too obsessed with color. My father went to Stanford, and we both agree that they should bring back the old mascot!”
Some members of the admin have welcomed this change. One member of the Board of Trustees said, “While we know some students may have grown fond of the tree over the years, we feel it no longer aligns with the current administration’s agenda, nor our funding goals.”
“We believe that we have been presented with a new opportunity here,” the member said. “If you build a house made of wood in California it will burn for a day, but if you build an empire on an oil well you get a steady enough revenue stream to stay warm for over 120 years.”
Unsurprisingly, no international student was willing to comment.
However, one student said, “We are digging ourselves a deeper hole! I mean, ‘Oil Barons?’ Even the UAE is getting out! They have been investing in solar and you know what, so has China! So call me a commie or whatever, but I won’t stand for this! I won’t be complicit in this idiocy.”
“You call this ‘The Farm?’” the student continued. “The irony! At least farms cut down trees for food to feed the masses. This is all to peddle to the power and the money hungry.” This particular student has since dropped out to work on their startup at a local crypto farm up north.
Students are asked to submit any new mascot ideas or comments on pre-existing proposals to hoover.org.