Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

In a shocking turn of meteorological events, water fell from the sky on Monday in what can only be described as a catastrophic maelstrom. Campus residents were sent into varying stages of panic, disbelief and grief. Acceptance has not yet been reached. 

Local freshman and Bay Area native Daniel Froshman ’29 was among the most psychologically affected.

“I just wasn’t prepared at all,” said Froshman, still visibly shaken. “It’s only October. It’s midterm season. The trees are still green, the Dish is still a fire hazard and then God sends us this?” he said, gesturing to a puddle. “What kind of sick, twisted joke is this?” 

According to eyewitnesses inside CoHo, a large group of freshmen were “trapped” inside the cafe for over four hours after the downpour evolved into what NBC Bay Area described as “a pretty normal amount of rain.”

One student’s suffering was compounded by the fact that he had set out in the morning wearing only a T-shirt, having made the critical Bay Area miscalculation that the weather app is “for people from Seattle.” Yet another victim, Ailuv Macha ’29, was reportedly seen clutching an iced matcha latte and a stack of notes for their consulting club interview while muttering, “I thought climate change was supposed to fix this.” 

“It’s just that I thought we had a deal,” Macha told The Daily. “If the planet heats up, sure, there’s a few more wildfires, but I get more beach days. Win-win. Climate change needs to step up its game.” 

Realizing the growing group of frosh had pushed the room past allowed occupancy, CoHo staff repeatedly tried to escort several of the students out of the building during the storm, but each time they opened the door, a mild drizzle and light gust of cool wind forced the group to retreat. During one of these attempts, one student screamed something about “Noah’s flood” and “My father will hear about this.” 

By 3 p.m., the last student in CoHo gave up waiting out the “storm” and Uber-ed back to her dorm, which was a five minute walk away. She was last seen on Stanford Reddit trying to find co-founders for a startup to bring back the California drought, citing “a passion for promoting mental health” and “a deep personal connection to water scarcity.”

“I miss the good old yesterday,” she said. “When California was a desert, and my white platform shoes were safe.”