Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

We’ve all been there. You’ve suffered through the humiliation ritual that is cold-emailing every single professor in your department to search for an advisor, each consecutive email more desperate and sycophantic than the last. And eventually, you tricked one into sponsoring your degree-seeking project, and all seemed well. 

Then a few weeks pass — lifetimes in the quarter system — and you’re looking for some feedback on your progress so far. There’s just one problem: You can’t get in touch, and you’ve never, ever — and I really mean not ever — seen them in the wild. Not chilling in their office, not eating lunch somewhere weirdly depressing, not even outside wagging their fist at a scooter kid committing six traffic violations at once. 

But never fear, dear reader, for I’ve compiled an ingenious list of tips and tricks to help you corner that slippery sonuvagun and get your scholastic needs met.

1. Install a trap door in front of their office

Now, this one might seem obvious, but there’s actually much to consider here. If they have multiple offices, you’ll have to install multiple doors for maximum coverage and make sure their cries for help are drowned out somehow. Maybe a cartoonish system of pulleys and levers that triggers the fire alarm? You can get creative.

You also have to make sure to leave food and water in the pit (6’ x 6’ is best), most likely in the form of nutrient pellets and one of those little squirt bottles for guinea pigs. Make it feel homey, lay down a rug. At least then no one can say you’re inhumane (at least not by R&DE standards).

2. Send a fake email pretending their latest grant application was approved

Nothing gets a weary academic raring and ready to go like cold hard cash, and I’ve seen many a tenured professor get downright reckless chasing funds. It may seem unethical, but remember: you’re a Stanford student. You can simply write ethics out of the equation, then lie about your character later. No problem!

However, this option does come with some mild risks. You can pull this bait-and-switch off once, maybe twice before your advisor is legally allowed to commit physical violence against you as an act of self-preservation. They really don’t play when coin is involved.

3. Catfish them as a foxy undergrad in their area looking for a good time

Now, now, this may elicit some understandable knee-jerk reactions, but hear me out. Think of it like a public service — if they fall for your ruse, you can post all of your DMs and cancel them on Twitter (Bluesky? Nah, Twitter), which, as a bonus, could free up a lot more of their precious time. You may also go to jail for fraud or extortion or whatever, but we’re talking about your academic career. You’ve got to do a cost-benefit analysis of the situation and come to your own conclusions. 

4. Line the halls of their entire building with honey and extra-strength fly paper

If they go to their office as much as my advisor does (never), you might find this tactic bears more fruit than #1. In fact, you can catch anyone you want within a whole department this way. Use a long stick with a big, big net at the end to scoop up any unnecessary extras and trap them in an office (you’ll want to make sure you’ve already borrowed a key from the super nice/didn’t-really-give-a-shit night maintenance guy) so that they can’t alert the next wave of faculty walking into their fate. Don’t bother with the food and ambience in this one; department staff are scrappy and can work it out themselves.

5. Offer their children candy, kidnap them and hold them for ransom.

I already know what you’re thinking: Woah, woah… whimsical Scooby-Doo traps and victimless cybercrimes are one thing, but surely kidnapping kids crosses the line? My friend, this is your graduation we’re talking about. This is war. And all is fair in the pursuit of diplomas and war. And some other third thing, maybe. 

If this seems daunting, study the titular scene from Liam Neeson’s 2008 blockbuster “Taken” for practical tips on getting the job done (as well as style inspiration). You can never go wrong in black!

Less creative folks might tell you that you can just send an email and ask for their office hours, but everyone knows any faculty advisor worth their tenure checks their inbox once a month, max, even less frequently for emails from students. But these tactics, however “overcomplicated” or “legally distasteful,” have been empirically proven in the field to get results, guaranteed. 

Happy hunting!