Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Stanford football (4-8, 3-5 ACC) (Yikes!) will not be competing this upcoming Monday in the College Football Playoff National Championship game. Stanford was eliminated from playoff contention roughly six minutes into Week 1. The Miami Hurricanes (13-2, 6-2 ACC) and the Indiana Hoosiers (15-0, 9-0 B1G), however, face off at 4:30 p.m. PST at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami Gardens, Fla.
Miami and Indiana have met only twice, in 1964 and 1966, years that saw all-too-familiar mediocre 5-5 seasons for Stanford football. The teams split the series 1–1 and now meet again 60 years later.
The Hoosiers enter as clear favorites after an undefeated season. Stanford has not had an undefeated year since 1940 — long before the invention of Stanford’s radical three-yard passes on 3rd-and-12. Behind Heisman Trophy winner (and former Cal starter) Fernando Mendoza, Indiana has dominated opponents and earned a national seed, becoming one of the most consistent teams in recent memory.
Stanford redshirt senior quarterback Ben Gulbranson was not in the Heisman conversation. He did lead the nation in number of times announcers said, “tough break for Stanford.” Mendoza, meanwhile, has avoided interceptions entirely, prompting Stanford quarterbacks to consider buying him a gift basket out of professional respect.
Since taking over the program, coach Curt Cignetti is 26–2 and delivered Indiana’s first Big Ten title since 1945. Stanford’s last conference championship came in 2015 with Christian McCaffrey, a reminder that both Stanford football and the Pac-12 peaked a decade ago. In two years, Cignetti has rebuilt Indiana into a modern powerhouse.
General Manager Andrew Luck claims it is his goal to model Stanford football’s 2026 season after Cignetti, but fans are not as confident. Tickets for next season are already being sold for as low as “a crisp high five” and “please, just take them.”
Miami earned its place through a tougher, less traditional path — a situation Stanford could relate to if it had ever made the CFB Playoffs. As one of the last at-large teams to enter the CFP, Miami surged under head coach Mario Cristobal, beating Ohio (12-2, 9-0 B1G) and Ole Miss (13-1, 7-2 SEC) on its way to the title game. The Hurricanes enter as underdogs but with home-field advantage, something Stanford has historically treated more like a polite suggestion.
Oddsmakers list Indiana as a 7.5–8.5 point favorite over Miami. Miami’s defense and rushing attack, led by Mark Fletcher Jr., keep them competitive, averaging over 130 yards per postseason game. In hypothetical Stanford–Indiana matchups, analysts stopped simulating after the 3rd quarter ended 118–3.
A few key matchups will decide Monday’s champion. Indiana aims to control the line of scrimmage and keep Mendoza turnover-free; Miami hopes to disrupt their rhythm and force explosive plays in front of a home crowd. Stanford’s strategy, in a similar situation, would involve prayer, but in reality involves the coaching staff slowly drinking a Bud Light lime and wondering what they did wrong to lead them to this point in their career.
Beyond the X’s and O’s, this matchup holds historic stakes: Indiana seeks its first national title, and Miami hopes to return to glory for the first time since 2001. Stanford has not won a national championship in 86 years, and will not. Ever.
This championship is everything college football strives to be: passionate, competitive and free of a Stanford fourth-quarter collapse. No matter who wins, one thing is guaranteed: neither team is Stanford — already a victory for both programs.