Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Welp, all the fun parts of February have passed, and now we’re in the worst part of Winter Quarter. I want you to think back to Fall Quarter week nine, when you picked these classes. Didn’t you believe in yourself so much? Yeah, I’m not happy with my past self either. And right now, I know you’re promising yourself a 12-unit Spring Quarter, but who are you kidding?

Anyways, here are some fortune cookie slips I dug out of the trash. 

Aries

Wealth and success lie in your future. 20 years from now, in a pivotal couple’s therapy session, you’ll realize that your prosperity came at the cost of your sanity.

Taurus

Great wisdom lies in the articles your mom sends you. 

Gemini

One day, it’ll be your ex who gets nauseous when they check your Instagram story on Valentine’s Day.

Cancer

You look like you can tell what color a crayon is from the taste. 

Leo

Ok, Mr. Econ major, explain to me how using buy-now, pay-later loans for sports betting isn’t free money? 

Virgo

Yeah, right, you’re big into curling. Ever thought of sweeping your own floor?

Libra

The sun is shining, campus is glowing, and it even looks like glitter is flowing through the air. Can’t you smell it? ACHOOOO! Nevermind, I’m going inside.

Scorpio

Give me liberty, give me death, or GIMME GIMME GIMME A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT

Sagittarius

While your mom was in her 12th hour of labor, I’m sure she kept going because she knew her little angel would one day drop out of college to build the next big AI study tool. 

Capricorn

At some point, success in the Winter Olympics comes down to how little you care about dying.

Aquarius

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Too bad you can’t swim. 

Pisces

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —

    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

“Hey, do you wanna get Late Night?”

“No, I have a midterm tomorrow morning. I’m actually trying to sleep right now.”

“Oh… damn… good luck.”

 Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak February;

And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

    Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had sought to borrow

THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!

Jeez, my neighbor needs to organize her drawers. 

“Wait, I’ll call you back after I find it— I need to rant about something.”

Hope this will be quick

“No, no, about the girl from my high school… no way I haven’t told you about this?! Story time…”

Oh, great.

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

    So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

Hold up, my heart is beating REALLY fast if I’m trying to go to sleep. I gotta focus on something else, but I just can’t right now. WAIT… did I set my alarm for tomorrow? Okay, I did. Huh, it’s already 1:00 AM? No way I’ve been tossing and turning for an hour. Dammit, now I can’t sleep because I’m stressed about sleeping.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

    But the silence was unbroken, and the —

BEEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEP!

Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Is this a false alarm? I don’t wanna get out of bed. I was just falling asleep.

“BRO, THE PACKAGE JUST SAID, ‘STIR WITH FORK AND PUT IT BACK IN MICROWAVE FOR 30 SECONDS.’ IT SHOULD’VE SAID ‘TAKE FORK OUT.’”

Okay, maybe just a bit caught fire, but it’s good now.

“OF COURSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER. I WASN’T BORN IN THE 50’S… YES, THE FIRE IS SPREADING! THAT’S WHAT FIRE DOES. ARE YOU STUPID???”

On the bright side… this might get the rats.