Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Q: Dear Auntie, 

All my friends are applying to summer internships, and I don’t know what to do! I haven’t found any programs that are a good fit for me, and I’ve already missed a lot of deadlines. Do I just grind out applications for any program left? What would you do? 

— Unemployed, In Tears at T.A.P. 

Dear Unemployed, 

Do not be in tears. They will be bad for your skin and then you will have the wrinkles. And then no one will want to hire you. 

I do not envy you. My daughter told me in the Wall Street Journal that the job market is not so good for young people. I have a friend at tai chi with a son (studying to be an anesthesiologist — you can meet him if you want) who is “grinding out applications.” But, he is not having fun (Maybe if you meet him you can have fun together. Or at least you could teach him how to tuck in his shirt — if my son came to church looking like him, I would stop paying his tuition).

You can be like him, but you do not sound like you want to. So, I can see two options for you, but only the two options. I learned with my first husband only to give the two options to indecisive people. It makes things easier. 

1) Get a job. Even if it is not Stanford University research or top consulting or finance position, you can still make money. Retail position shows strong character to the future employers. But not Starbucks. We boycott them. 

2) But if you do not need the money, you can do anything. You can go back home to see your parents. They miss you. You can travel with them to see your grandparents. Or you can travel by yourself… to see your grandparents. There are so many life lessons to learn from your elders. You should take advantage of your time outside of school so when you return to Stanford University you are more focused and can get an internship next year. I know all your friends want the FAANG and the Top Five internships. But I wonder if they can cook five of their mother’s dishes? I wonder if they have five friends? I think for a young person, these are far more important than the internship position over the one summer. Because this is the only opportunity you have to be unemployed. Under capitalism you can work for the rest of your life. If you can afford it, do not rush into employment. 

Otherwise, you can come volunteer at church with your Auntie. Many boys there, and a few even do know how to tuck in their shirts. 

Good luck. Have some sliced apples, and all will be O.K. 

Auntie