Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Hey there, Bay Area denizens!

Every era of mankind’s existence has been peppered with the occasional brilliant invention. Fire, the wheel, the horse, gravity, atoms, a spherical planet, and the five-dollar footlong. Years and years of R&DE to develop these pinnacles of modern society! (Except the five-dollar footlong. Rest in peace.)

Well, wait no more! Our generation’s single greatest scientific development is already here. I’m not talking about quantum computing, stem cell therapies, or any of that stuff they put in those hoity-toity and frankly illegible scientific journals. I mean the two greatest letters to ever grace a blue marble pointlessly hurtling through empty space:

AI.

But if you’re anything like me, a Midwesterner who’s frankly more concerned with his cheese cave than whatever fancy-pants technology these Californians have been cooking up recently, you might be a little befuddled–flabbergasted even–as to how you might make use of these revolutionary innovations that excite.

Fret not! I’ve been talking to some friends of mine, and they had some great suggestions for how we can use AI to make our lives easier, better, and more efficient!

Generating Essay Ideas

Struggling with writer’s block? Hate your PWR course selection? Wish you weren’t a SLEak? Generative AI tools like ChatGPT are great for coming up with good directions to take a tough essay. Better yet, your favorite grammar checker extension now uses AI to help provide even better recommendations for you writing!

Recommended by: Every Stanford syllabus

Concept and Background Art

If you know me, you know I can’t draw. I’ve been handing the crayons to my mom ever since I was in the crib. I completely lack the capacity for visual art, but sometimes I just need something completely effortless and soulless to get the job done, and that’s where AI can help!

Recommended by: Every billboard in San Francisco

Videos of Will Smith Eating Spaghetti

Whenever you get a new graphics card or other rendering technology, you make a whale. A simple, beautiful render that demonstrates the sheer power packed into the tiniest little silicon frame. Apparently, the AI equivalent of that is generating videos of your favorite slapstick comedian eating a bowl of angel hair pasta.

Recommended by: Sam Altman

Guessing a Person’s Healthcare Costs Based on How Much They Sound Like They Weigh

Insurance companies are all in on efficiency. I mean, they found out that not doing their job is the most efficient way to get work done long before the so-called “Zoom employee.” What better way to cut corners than to make all of the necessary assumptions about a person’s health without them realizing? Then you can determine the “most accurate” premiums, costs, and coverage.

Recommended by: The Ghost of Unitedhealthcare Past

Maximizing Returns on Kalshi

Kalshi is a relatively novel forum where you can put money on real-world events. It’s not gambling. You devote a certain amount of currency towards the outcome of an event (Super Bowl, World Cup, Olympics, Azerbaijani presidential election, etc.) and you get money proportional to the amount that other people bid on that outcome! It’s not gambling. Plus, it has an incredibly positive impact on the world!

Recommended by: Come on. We both know that guy.

Driving

One of the greatest rites of passage in American childhood is getting your license. You go to Driver’s Ed for a few weeks and listen to the guy who taught your grandparents to drive tell you not to hit people in your car, and then you get in the car and you mostly listen. The utmost freedom and autonomy, for which you are finally worthy according to your state government.

I’m kidding. Driving is boring as hell, and it makes my ankle hurt to press down on the gas. I already struggle with cruise control. I barely remember the rules of the road. It would be much better if I could get my car to mostly follow the road rules for me. I’m sure that a three-ton machine designed to travel at high speeds and trained in urban environments is perfectly capable of navigating the suburban world of Palo Alto!

Recommended by: Tesla Autodrive

I hope this list of great AI uses helps you in your daily life. I certainly have found a lot of great use recently out of AIs like ChatGPT and Sora, and I hope that you do too!

Okay, I’ve generated a news article revolving around an exaggerated, satirical, and slightly pessimistic–albeit playful–perspective on some of the potential uses for AI, written in the style of something you might see in a student publication associated with Stanford University. I made sure to highlight your midwestern identity and lack of technical expertise.

If you want, I can also:

• Analyze it like a literature professor would
• Tighten it for actual submission
• Make it more absurdist
• Make it sharper and riskier
• Incorporate more of your style and background, to “sound less like AI” while still meeting your strict deadline.

Let me know how I can help edit, revise or rewrite your work to help make the writing process as efficient as possible.