Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Tyler Donovan made extreme kayaking history last week when he attempted a Red Bull-sponsored run down the Strait of Hormuz.
The 23-year-old from Long Beach has been kayaking all his life, constantly chasing greater and greater thrills. In 2020, he conquered the Colorado River while blindfolded. In 2022, he survived Niagara in a kayak made out of recycled toilet paper rolls to create awareness for the environment. For his latest feat in 2024, he went down Mount Everest with a heat lamp duct-taped to the front of his kayak.
Donavan has been seeking a new challenge even since. So when an undisclosed conflict began and Red Bull reached out to him for what they described as “the ultimate kayaking challenge,” Donovan agreed.
“I’ve always been an adrenaline junkie. It’s kinda baked into my DNA. My parents always told me that I can do anything in my life if I’m willing to take the risk. After I got out of juvie, I got into extreme kayaking so that I could prove I’m willing to do what it takes to survive and thrive. With the money I’m making from this stunt, I’ll finally be able to live my dream of going to medical school so that I can become a pediatrician,” Donovan told reporters before his stunt.
The trip was jointly sponsored by the United States Department of Energy, so Donovan towed 200 barrels of oil while completing his run in addition to his personal stash of Red Bull: Peach Orange Edition.
The goal was to cover the entire Strait in the course of three days. He made good time on the first day and on the second, he was approaching Qeshm ahead of schedule when an unexpected projectile struck the oil tethered to his kayak. Donovan has not been seen since.
Thankfully, his GoPro Footage was being livestreamed and uploading to the cloud in real time, so The Daily was able to confirm what happened to Donovan. Unfortunately, it is believed that the livestream made the kayak discoverable and vulnerable in the first place. The video currently has 200 million views.
Some have speculated that the American military fired the projectile. However, Pete Hegseth has denied this theory, asking reporters, “Does anybody else want to share any theories?” whilst holding his finger above a large red button.
“We find Tyler Donovan’s demise to be extremely unfortunate,” Red Bull wrote in an official statement two days after the accident. “We and our financing partners are extremely heartbroken by the news. For those who wish to pay respect to Tyler and his legacy, his funeral will be livestreamed on April 5 from a GoPro attached to his coffin. After the ceremony, the GoPro will also livestream his cremation. And if you’re attending the funeral in person, be sure to try the new Red Bull: Black Mourning Edition!”
Donovan’s parents are “very sad” but grateful that Red Bull gave him the chance to die doing what he loved. We asked his mother if she had a message for the world on Donovan’s behalf.
“It’s sad to see your child lose his life, but we’re excited to have another on the way, thanks to Red Bull x Viagra: Rise Again,” she told The Daily.