Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Well, I was trying to write something but I had serious writer’s block, so I decided to take a break and build some model airplanes which is my hobby of choice outside of writing for The Daily which is a hobby because I don’t get paid but I still put it on my resume, but anyway, I fell asleep next to the open glue bottle and now I’m realizing that it smells really good and that I have lots to write about, for example, most public transportation is just variations of the bus because a train is a rail bus and a plane is a flying bus and a submarine is an underwater bus, so why don’t we build an omnibus that just does everything on that topic how much pickle juice is safe to consume because I just ate an entire jar of pickles and I wanted more so I drank the juice and now I feel bad, and speaking of bad: it’s pretty weird that David Duke is out there just hanging around New Orleans and pounding beignets, I mean Timothy Camelot is in the news for dissing ballet but David Duke gets to live in peace—am I making sense, am I a good writer, my editor thinks I’m alright but then again nobody who employs me can be said to have good taste oh man that’s a weird shape in my closet, is that the devil, I mean it could be that’s friggin’ terrifying why is he here, is he here for my soul is he trying to make me a good humor writer in exchange for my soul because how can you write well without a soul hey, wait, I haven’t used a period in a while that’s pretty strange — wait does that mean I’m pregnant, I can’t have a kid now I have to graduate eventually oh man, the devil is here for my first born child so if I have twins I’ll lose at least 50 percent of my children just like Thanos wanted, NO DEAL SATAN, I’ll be a terrible writer today and tomorrow and for the entirety of the life of my children: Chameleon and Cherry Garcia, we’re gonna take the omni bus to Atlanta and then to New Orleans and then we’re gonna kick David Duke’s wizard ass and then when he comes back as David Duke the whiter we’ll do it again, anyways, I should probably find my way out of this Home Depot because I bought some new paint for my planes and already it tastes so good!