Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The Daily strives to connect the Stanford community with the news and perspectives to help inform all of your opinions. You may have noticed that hackers have given Stanford a temporary Canvasectomy. To help assuage your fears, we want to share a comprehensive evaluation of the risks and benefits of this recent Instructure cyberattack, which affects not only our campus, but also hundreds of other colleges nationwide.
PRO: You’ll finally see your grades.
With the leaked data, you’ll be able to see if that 0 on your last PSET was a mistake.
CON: Your parents will finally see your grades.
My parents still think I have a healthy 3.2 GPA. I don’t know how they misinterpreted BAC that badly over the telephone, but I guess the jig is up.
PRO: Everyone will agree that you deserved that extension.
Once your data gets leaked, including your conversations with your professors, other students will see your compelling arguments for a later due date.
CON: Everyone will agree that you needed that extension.
Once your data gets leaked, including your conversations with your professors, other students will see your “compelling” arguments for separating pineapples from pizza. Pick a better hill to die on.
PRO: Professors who move to X for submitting assignments must assign you a 140-character word limit.
This should also make the curve more generous, unless you’re in a Writing Short Stories class and your professor is Ernest Hemingway.
CON: You’ll have to resort to other social media sites to entertain yourself, like Instagram.
No more vertical scrolling through your syllabi, a quintessential aspect of student downtime. Go watch a Reel or a Short instead.
PRO: ChatGPT use will sink by 80%, preserving water and electricity for local communities.
I’m not sure what to talk about with my chatbot now that there isn’t any homework to complete. Do you think he thinks I’m just using him?
CON: How will you memorize other people’s names?
Without that feature where I can see everybody’s names alongside a photo of themselves, I don’t think I’ll remember a single person around here.
Author’s Note: This article was written in collaboration with the Stanford Daily’s technology expert, Unga Bunga ‘27, a Science, Technology and Society major. We’ve included an excerpt from his profile below for transparency:
I love technology. I recently discovered fire last week. I actually know a lot about a canvas myself – I dipped my hand in berries, and I rubbed it around my cave wall until I made a blob that looked like one of the mammoths outside.