Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Are you looking for something to commemorate being plastered, sunburnt and exhausted in a sea of people you barely know? Our merchandise designer, Polly Esther ‘26, provided mockups of the initial designs of our all new Bay to Breakers 2026 x Stanford Daily t-shirts, made firsthand from a student who couldn’t attend the race and who resents everyone that did. To place an order, send your credit card number to [email protected], preferably with the three-digit security code attached. We’ll handle the financials for you; just focus on putting one leg in front of the other.