Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

All summer, the shores of Lake Lag have been swarmed by towels and bare burning backs (BBBs). High UV ratings on the Weather App sang a captivating siren song, dragging unaltered tanners into the powerful sunlight—their natural habitat. 

Now, as the last weeks of summer sizzle away, tanners across the globe are sorrowfully awaiting autumn’s dreary arrival, when they will shapeshift back into their naturally pale forms. 

For the tanning community, shifting 6 shades darker during the summer months is a necessity for survival, lest an obsession. 

“The sun is sooo healthy. It’s got Vitamin D, like, D for Diazepam,” said Rebecca Lee ’29 (#804040). “So I don’t wear sunscreen. It’s like pasteurizing milk: it blocks out the natural good stuff.”

The general rule of thumb: the darker the tan, the greater the following. “You know how roasted chicken looks straight outta the oven? Juicy, curvy, and roasted in all the right places? Yeah, that’s body goals.” Lee said. 

During the peak of the tanning season, tanners will often face harsh criticism from their own kind. 

“Rebecca is American Brown (#804040)–girl, it’s the worst tan I’ve ever seen. She wants to be a juicy kumquat but she’s really giving sun-dried tomato,” said Kimberly Ford ’29 (#6E3A07), whose own skin tone was somewhere between salted caramel and ripe tangerine. She had also been wearing a tube top, exposing a ghastly white bikini line cutting through her collarbones.

“I’m actually a perfect shade match to Philippine Bronze (#6E3A07). I’m serious, it’s the shade of the summer,” said Ford. “It’s like how ube has been trendy. But honestly, Jollibee just hits better for me.” 

A competitive tanner herself, Ford highlighted the strict standards within the tanning community. “No fair-skinned burners, no one-piece wearers, and no one lighter than Indian Yellow (#E3A857),” she said.

As September nears, tanners are now making preparations for the “autumn algeny,” where colder weather and cloudy skies will cause their bronze layers to shed. The community considers the shapeshifting stage of the annual tanning cycle incredibly disheartening, but the algeny offers a chance at redemption for those marked improperly by the sun. Amelia Richards ’28 (#D99058), who suffers from a rare condition where her feet do not shift into her summer shade, is atypically eager to shed her brassy coat. 

“The cause for the condition is unknown,” said Richards, tugging at her socks to briefly flash her pale ankles. “At least it isn’t terminal.”

Over the summer, Richards’ community has shunned her for her atypical tan line. “I dropped her, like, as soon as I saw those Greek Villa (#F0ECE2) ankles,” said Ford, who recently archived all her Instagram posts that previously featured Richards. 

Fortunately, there are an abundance of resources available for tanners who are having a hard time after shapeshifting. Options include spray tanning, UV beds or the Maldives. 

Researcher Hamilton George believes that many more tanners will be able to evade the autumn algeny of 2027 by prolonging their perfected skin tones indefinitely. “I developed the Beach Replication Operation with Non-Zero Radiation, also known as BRONZR,” he said. “With BRONZR, you can permanently retain your ideal skin tone all year! Get BRONZR now, folks!”

George’s groundbreaking work comes at a time of heightened anticipation for the tanning hierarchy to expand permanently into Western culture and governance. US President Donald Trump (a pleasant mandarin shade) is the first Person of Sun-baking (POS) to reside in the Oval Office.  

“I got this private contractor, he’s great, so great,” said Mr. President. “He was so good, so great, he gave me my smooth, golden complexion. So smooth, so golden. It’s just brilliant, he’s brilliant, I’m telling you.”

Prior to becoming president, Trump had felt quite insecure as a tanner in a white-dominated country. Today, he attributes his fierce confidence to former President Barack Obama. 

“When I saw him in that tan suit, let me tell you, I know he was saying, yes, tans are beautiful. Tanners, so beautiful. It was like he was saying, ‘more tan!’ You know, I knew it. It takes a POS to set an example for the country, yes. I’m a great example.”