Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

I left my heart in San Francisco, but if you’re looking for better things to do or see, pretend I’m not bleeding out here and steal a certified Stanford Daily Humor section Scav Hunt Bingo card off of me. When in Rome, right? Anyway, email us at [email protected] when you’ve achieved bingo. If you’ve gotten that far, reach out to your emergency contacts.