Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Welcome to scarf season Stanford! And welcome to your first set of horoscopes! Wishing you all the best as the nights get chillier and the midterms…happen…and happen again…and keep happening…

Aries 

Put the PSL down. It’s not 2016 and the Starbucks boycott is still technically happening. 

Taurus 

Have you been hitting AOERC lately? No!? Oh, okay so you’re just beefing up from all that emotional baggage you carry. 

Gemini 

It’s okay. #itgetsbetter. And by “it” I mean Arrillaga dining. 

Cancer

What if we try getting through our morning class before we turn on Lana Del Rey? 

Leo 

Actually, if you talk three times in your discussion section, you will get an A. Yeah, The Office of Community Standards just announced it, so you don’t have to answer every question anymore.  

Virgo 

Datedrop will work this year. Promise. <3

Libra 

It’s okay if we fell for the “Paid Stanford Research Internship with Professor” email scam once. We can’t be falling for that again. 

Scorpio 

“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles…”

Sagittarius

Check your email today. There’s a 100% chance you missed something important from the last 3 years. 

Capricorn 

You’re right, twin. He is the one. 

Aquarius 

I know that the thrift scene in Palo Alto is lacking…but it’s okay. Within you is the courage to endure. 

Pisces  

I know there wasn’t a supplement essay on the Stanford application for how to healthily communicate, but that’s still an important skill, even here on the farm. 

Here’s an example below:

Prompt: How would you respond to being ghosted? (50 words or less) 

There are people who will leave you. But I would never let them crush my Cardinal spirit, my innovation. I understand there are more compatible, efficient partners out there, which could be found through the AI matchmaking start-up service that I built with Chat and Claude—my real, solid collaborators.