Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Ronald Reagan, McDonald’s mascot and later Nancy’s husband, once claimed that the nine scariest words in the English language were “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.” 

Personally, that didn’t send shivers trickling down our spines. With Halloween fast approaching, we deemed it time to one-up his dismal disposition for dreariness, a time to step from humor to horror, a time for choosing the nine scariest words in the English language.

“Hey, that sounds like an electric scooter behind us.” – Micah Chung ’30, favored prey of scooter-wielding upperclassmen

“You’ve been hit, the ambulance is on its way.” – Jayson Toweh, PhD ’27, former injured cyclist and affordable healthcare proponent 

“I’m from Flock and I’m here to install cameras.” – Sebastian Strawser ’29, your friendly neighborhood, moral and effective security expert. Brought to you by Peter Thiel and friends.

“Excuse me — are you the RA for this dorm?” – Sophia Mitsuoka ’28, sometimes the RA for this dorm

“It’s due tonight; it will take me five minutes.” Garrett Khatchaturian ’28, Procrastinator

“I’m the AP style guide; no Oxford commas allowed.” – Joel Grayson ’28: punctuation activist, former em dash proponent—before AI ruined it — and Stanford comma schemer

“Your current Axess hold: unpaid three cent printing fee.” – Lydia Schwartz ’29, certain that three cents would never restrict someone’s ability to enroll in classes or to receive scholarship money

“Electrical Engineering 101A Canvas Notification: Final Exam Grade: UPDATED.” — Ella Prichard ’29, Desk Editor, using her fingers as a voltmeter to study local electrical outlet

“Philadelphia has a championship game. Fans have legal immunity.”  — Mason Barrett ’28, pondering how this will affect the upcoming season of Abbott Elementary

“For sale, baby shoes, never worn. I own thousands.” – Jenny Ballutay ’28, Managing Editor, subjecting Hemingway to supply and demand.

“My name is Jenny, and I’m your Managing Editor!” – Sia Liu ’29, Desk Editor, condemned to work

“Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious.” – The Stanford Daily Executive Team, worried about our impact on editorial standards

…there we go again!