Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The recent Artemis II mission took humans farther than any previous spacefaring trip in history, and caused flat-earthers from around the globe to renounce their belief in the conspiracy theory — but not their faith in it.
Although the non-Euclidean shape of the Earth has been known as early as the fifth century B.C. by Greek astronomers and scholars, and though this understanding only flourished as humanity became increasingly educated and scientifically advanced, a small minority has held onto the worldview popularized by our ancient ancestors: the belief in a flat earth.
However, humanity’s most recent spaceflight has provided a range of photos, videos, and physical observations which, according to some flat-earth scholars, are “too damn hard” to fake. These include stunning images of the moon’s dark side, the layer of clouds blanketing the Earth’s surface and the first high-definition video of a UFO — all of which display the curvature of the Earth on film. In response, they have turned to a new form of belief.
In a statement to The Daily, Berkeley Ph.D. candidate Richard DuMois said, “I speak as an absolute authority when I say that flat-earth is a real possibility. I spent nine years on my Bachelor’s in Physics, and in every class I ever took — and retook — we applied a number of understandable and convenient assumptions about the world.”
He cited such assumptions as assuming a flat plane for all objects to move on, the absence of friction or air resistance; the absence of electric gravity; and approximating pi as 3.
“If we can make all of these assumptions on the chalkboard … yes, I do still use a chalkboard. I never really liked how whiteboards were permanent; I much prefer chalk sticks to Sharpies … then we can make these assumptions in the real world,” said DuMois. “And if we can make these assumptions in the real world, then why let a round earth complicate our easy physics?”
Local resident and Stanford dropout Igor Dughm also reached out via email to comment on the movement. “You knows I think that the liberal media doesn’t want us to know this is a posibility because If They knew I was bulldozing mountains my Wife bless her heart would increase the radius of are Restraining order,” he said. The Daily sincerely apologizes for the errors in his writing.
The theory has been further popularized by trillionaire and wannabe politician Elon Musk on Twitter, after he replied to a post by Dughm.
Dughm and DuMois hope that the flat earth community will join them for next upcoming meetings, and are confident in their ability to bring the flat earth movement into a new era.
“I mean, the evidence here is pretty conclusive,” said DuMois. “As much as I wished it wasn’t true, the Earth is, provably and definitively, a globe. I have great confidence in the flat Earth community to recognize this painful truth, so we can work towards a better future.” Dughm agreed on this, writing, “There is no reason we cant make the world the place we think that it otta be,, especially when we know for sure it aint the way it should be.”
Writer’s Note: When questioned on his occupation, Dughm elaborated over email that he lives with his parents full-time to save on expenses while he works towards retirement.