Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

After four weeks trapped behind a retractable road bollard, a Stanford sophomore and her mother were finally freed Friday evening by a maintenance worker. Their imprisonment began during dorm move-in, when the mother-daughter duo’s experience took an unexpected turn.

The victims, Christie Brant and her daughter Lily Ruso-Brant ’29, arrived on campus in a Diamond Black Dodge Durango rental car, a vehicle roughly the size of a Palo Alto starter home. After unloading Lily’s belongings at CroMem, the pair decided to grab lunch at Coupa Café. Whilst Lily debated whether a $10 protein latte was a financially responsible investment, Brant began driving down Crothers Way, which she later mentioned being “kinda narrow for [her] liking.”

“Wow, look at that new fountain,” Brant remarked, maneuvering the nearly three-ton SUV past students who had assumed Stanford’s pedestrian-only zone was for pedestrians. “I don’t remember any of this from last year.” Witnesses report that Brant kept driving despite several warning signs and a cyclist making the sign of the cross.

“I just thought Stanford had renovated,” Brant later explained. “I figured it was just another one of those construction projects, like the traffic circle, or the Campus Center Commons, or the Rains houses, or the Balch Lab, or the Hoover Tower elevators, or the Golf Club House, or the CERAS and dorm demolitions, or the…”

“Mom,” Lily finally said. “I don’t think this is a road.”

Brant, who claims to have successfully driven on roads for decades, disagreed. “Google Maps says we’re four minutes away.” Google Maps has since filed a defamation lawsuit.

Unbeknownst to the pair, they had entered through a retractable security bollard that had been temporarily lowered for a facilities vehicle. By the time they attempted to leave, the pole had risen…

Security camera footage shows that Brant had attempted several “escape routes,” each ending in another pole. In the video, she yelled, “Can’t we just go around?”

Lily replied to her, “Mom, that’s a building.”

“Well, we can’t just stay here!” Brant retorted. They could. And they did.

For the next four weeks, the mother and daughter survived on Coupa orders and assumed fake freshman identities. Brant reportedly became co-president of Stanford Women in Medicine, went to Eurotrash and secured a summer internship at Genentech before Lily finished her first problem set.

Meanwhile, the Durango became their permanent residence. Lily claimed it offered more privacy than her CroMem double, plus air conditioning and a cupholder. Unfortunately, Stanford Residential & Dining Enterprises rejected their housing application week 2, citing the vehicle’s “unrealistically generous square footage.”

Brant occasionally waved down passing students for help. One asked whether the SUV was a protest against fossil fuels. Another asked if it was a Waymo and, upon learning a human was driving, appeared considerably more alarmed.

Rescue finally arrived last Friday when an anonymous facilities employee approached the vehicle, stared for several seconds and asked, “How did you get in here?”

“The pole!” Lily screamed. “Where have you been?”

“Lunch,” he replied, using his remote to lower the bollard.

The pair escaped unharmed, although Lily has reportedly begun telling classmates she was adopted.

Brant maintains that her experience was largely positive. “We got to see so much of campus,” she said. “You really notice things you miss on foot.” When interviewed, Brant was reportedly planning her next visit. “Do you think the little pole guy could let us park outside Coupa? He knows us now.”

Brant’s departure drew hundreds of students, many tearful goodbyes and a petition to keep her on campus. Eva McMiller ’28, last seen begging Brant to adopt her, admits she was devastated. “She’s the only person here who understands me,” she sobbed.

To students’ relief, President Jon Levin ’94 has since confirmed that Brant will be returning for Parents’ Weekend, though Stanford Transportation has required that she park off-site.