Dearest T-charts, 

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

You are the most beautiful blend of positivity and negativity, optimism and pessimism. The way you can seamlessly offer every possible perspective to any situation leaves me breathless. You walk me through my options without being impatient or callous. To me, you are perfection.

I first learned of you at age ten, when my parents told me we were moving to the other side of the country. I was furious, consumed by the unfairness of it all. How could they do that to me? Then came you, my knight in shining armor.

You met me at the intersection of the horizontal and vertical and guided me, hand held, to the exciting prospect of living in a new place. Without you, I wouldn’t ever have known how magnificent a Seattle sunset can be. 

Over the years, we’ve exchanged glances from across the room — deciding what to eat for dinner, what to wear in the morning, what movie to watch. You were always in the back of my mind. I needed you when I rephrased words in essays, I needed you when I decided what clubs to join. I felt a magnetic pull, a desire to do right by you. It was exhilarating to need something so deeply. All the while, it felt unnatural. 

The prospect of what could have been felt too overwhelming, and I got scared. Scared of what we could be together. Deep down, I was scared I was asking too much of you. I was scared of being too clingy. If I called to you for every single inconsequential thing, would our love have become one-sided? Perhaps.

But then again, perhaps life would’ve been easier if I had just written you right then and there, if only I didn’t overthink everything. Did you know once I almost wrote to you to decide if I should write to you? Life took the shape of an endless ouroboros. 

At last, we met on a stormy night when I saw you from across the room. But happily ever after never comes easy. It was a hot and humid April rainstorm, and I had to decide where to spend the next four years of my life – where I should go for undergrad. Plagued with indecision, I ran into your arms, safe in your warm embrace.

You said you would go with me wherever I ended up, of course you did. We compared costs of attendance, the cities either school was in and general culture. You were critical in a way I didn’t know you were capable of, it was endearing. You cared so much that I would find my place. Is it facetious to say heartbreak was inevitable?

I know I wronged you. It was the coin flip. That was the final straw. When I went behind your back and flipped a coin to make my decision, I know that’s what hurt you most. For that I will always be so exceptionally sorry. You didn’t deserve my infidelity. 

Ever since, I’ve been trying to make it up to you, to show you how much you mean to me. You know, I still talk about you with all my friends. “We can T-chart sometime if you’d like,” I’ll offer when they’re making the most important decisions of their lives. They know how great you are for me.

To those who don’t know you like I do, I’ll ask “Would a pros and cons list help?” I can’t help it, I love talking about you. I love introducing you to new friends (they all always adore you). 

Best of all, despite my shortcomings, you’re still right there when I need you. When I needed to once again figure out where to move for grad school, you were waiting for me, flowers in hand. I’d hoped you’d take me back, that we could cross lines together once more. 

We really are meant to be together. You’ve always known; I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. It just felt too good to be true.

I long to be faced with another dilemma so that I may be reunited with you very soon. 

All my love,

Sanya