Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Had to toss my Go-Gurt.
It made my heart hurt.
I watched my probiotics die.
I shed a tear from my eye.

My room went dark,
Couldn’t finish my work.
TA said, “No extensions.”
What a total jerk.

Kicked out of the gym,
Mid-rep, mid-squat.
Apparently no power
Means gains are naught.

Tried peeing in the dark,
My aim was a guess.
I won’t name the victim,
But the floor was a mess.

My roommate lit a candle,
Said, “It’s giving romance.”
I said, “That’s a fire hazard.
Also, put on some pants.”

They promised innovation,
A future so bright.
But I paid ninety grand
To piss without light.

So goodbye, sweet Go-Gurt,
My strawberry delight.
I’ll see you in heaven,
Where the fridges work right.