Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Once every couple of years, we’re called to participate in our communities. Now that polls aren’t hosting meet-and-greets with your local ICE agent, you may wonder what incentives might motivate you to submit that ballot or climb up that poll. Well, the Stanford Daily Humor Section is here to walk you through the pros and cons of voting!

PRO: Allows you to compensate for your boyfriend’s opinions.

Not a judgment, just an observation.

CON: The clinical term for most of the candidates.

Except the ones you’re rooting for. They’re legit.

PRO: More satisfying the second time around.

If you’re searching for more ways to shape your community, look no further than your neighbor’s ballot.

CON: I don’t know how to send mail anymore.

If only some Y-Combinator backed startup offered me an online ballot submission subscription service for $99 yearly!

PRO: Whets your appetite for Taco Tuesday.

…where you’ll probably stand in line for five more hours before yet another person tries to turn you away.

CON: So fun that you’ll rethink becoming a felon!

Unless, of course, to bolster your career as a public servant.

PRO: If you don’t, you’ll get summoned for jury duty much faster.

I can’t prove that, but who knows?

CON: Keeps you complicit in the government-industrial complex.

But who can say no to a free sticker?