Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
We did it, America. Democracy is saved. The 2026 Midterms are over and instead of a blue wave we got a tsunami big enough to turn this country into 1995’s “Waterworld”, starring Kevin Costner on a mission to find dry land in a world completely submerged in water. Oh, yeah, we won.
Yes my friends, we Pokémon went to the polls, and now the only tears the Republicans will be drinking are liberal tears of joy (available for a limited time at Starbucks). We’ve defeated the evil, corrupt, racist politicians, we can sit back and let the good politicians run things. Your misbehaving brat is on timeout and their angelic sibling can run around the house unsupervised for days on end. Throw out your picket signs and your Antifa frog costumes, your Talafreako shirts and your NPR totebags. Chuck Schumer’s the majority leader again and I can’t think of one man Donald J. Trump fears more than ol’ Chuck.
In fact, just go ahead and delete the news app from your phone. When Republicans were running things the news was just a constant stress in your life. Bing, “Trump wants to bomb LA.” Bing, “Trump wants to hang a senator.” Bing, “Trump likes dat ass.” You don’t need that extra stressor in your life. Just delete it and catch up on “Love Island.”
Speaking of the media, the need for satire is gone! Yes, for the past two years I’ve been hard at work with my fellow humorists, generating the most scathing rebukes against the current administration. As comedians, we spoke truth to power at unseen levels of mirth and derision. We had the likes of Marco Rubio quaking in his cute little boots. Myself at the Chaparral and my faithful editor Jenny Ballutay at The Daily are humbly aware of our effect on this election and the country at large. No need to thank us. It’s enough to know that we saved democracy.
With the Democrats in charge, there’s no telling what the future holds. Perhaps we’ll develop a new AI that can protest for us, Tweeting pithy political observations while we disassociate. Or, we’ll work towards universal healthcare, starting with our 120th Congress (gotta keep McConnell spry). If we’re lucky, they’ll have America so gerrymandered that we can keep this going after 2028 with newly elected President Gavin Newsom! Listen to me America! ICE agents will no longer be unqualified thugs, but rather the most qualified thugs. We’ll have a committee to investigate missteps in the Reflecting Pool remodel. And we’re gonna win the war in Iran no matter how long it takes us!
We beat those evil politicians and now the good politicians are in power, so we don’t have to worry anymore. Now that I’ll be able to afford a box of lightbulbs, democracy will never have to die in darkness. Let’s celebrate. Brunch is on me.