Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
In an effort to “bulk up Nerd Nation,” Arrillaga Family Dining Commons has announced a new high-protein menu after a University investigation revealed that, despite the endless papers and PSETs, 83% of Stanford undergraduates have the upper-body strength of a newborn deer.
“We’re producing the next generation of world leaders, but half of them need help opening the cafeteria peanut butter jar,” explained dining administrator Madeline Kim. “Frankly, it’s embarrassing.”
The initiative, dubbed Project Absolute 20 Units, aims to double student protein consumption without increasing food costs, purchasing additional ingredients or addressing any existing health code violations. Its flagship offering, Broccoli à la Bug, features steamed broccoli garnished with a generous helping of live aphids, caterpillars and whatever else managed to survive the industrial vegetable washer. “The French have long embraced delicacies like escargot and frogs’legs, and now Stanford has its own, more economical approach to the same type of fine dining,” boasted Tommy Wilson, an Arrillaga line cook who once watched an episode of MasterChef France.
The program has already sparked debate among students, particularly after George Buller ’29 found a caterpillar in his broccoli and attempted to remove it. “I told the service worker, ‘That’s a health code violation,”” recalls Buller. “Then she said, ‘No, that’s 5 grams of protein.’”
When asked about this event, Kim responded, “George’s actions were a textbook case of inefficient resource allocation. It’s no wonder the kid’s flunking ECON 1.”
The dining hall has also revamped its weekly salmon offering, replacing the traditional two-ounce serving with Hide and Sea-k Salmon, a mountain of rice concealing a single, strategically buried ounce of salmon.
“Students love the salmon, but serving enough of it to meet their protein needs is prohibitively expensive,” said Kim. “So we figured this helps them develop stronger motor skills and put that muscle-breakdown-protein-synthesis stuff into high gear. It’s an interactive dining experience. Everybody wins!”
Now, at the pasta station, students can enjoy Spaghetti and Meatball, featuring unlimited noodles and a single meatball with 500 grams of protein that must be shared among everyone in line. “It’s a communal protein experience,” dining staff member Andre Pots said. “We’re building muscles and community.” The meatball is passed down the line using a pair of tongs. Each student is permitted one bite before handing it to the next person.
Brandon Lyzer ’27 has since been hospitalized for liver failure after consuming four entire meatballs during one meal.
For vegans, Arrillaga has introduced Tofu Surprise, featuring smashed tofu soaked in egg whites and whey powder overnight. When asked why the vegan entree was not actually vegan, dining employee Russ Sierra explained, “We considered that, but then we’d have to remove all the protein.”
Even the dessert station has received a makeover. The new Protein Brownies contain 30 grams of protein and are so dense that students have started using them as free weights. Stanford’s School of Engineering has expressed interest in the recipe, with professors exploring whether the brownies could be a cheaper substitute for current earthquake-proof building materials.
The dining hall has also introduced a protein shake station, where students can blend leftover dining hall ingredients, including scrambled eggs, cottage cheese, and tuna salad, with seasonal produce offerings. The resulting shake is advertised as containing 35 grams of protein, provided students can keep it down.
Early results have been promising. Karl Patel ’28 said, “I have gained muscle and lost 15 pounds since the program started. My doctor thinks it’s mostly intestinal parasites, but my bench press has never been better.”
Stanford Athletics has also expressed interest in the initiative, with basketball coaches considering incorporating Arrillaga’s new menu into their strength and conditioning program. “We need players who are tough, resilient, and capable of overcoming adversity,” said coach Kyle Smith. “Anyone who can finish a plate of Arrillaga broccoli without crying is ready for the ACC.”
Arrillaga has announced that students can now purchase an additional 20 grams of protein for just $2.99. “It’s actually a can of Raid. Kills the bugs,” Kim explained. “And you can eat the ones that fall off.”
The initiative has since prompted student protests outside of Arrillaga, with demonstrators demanding that the University stop violating food safety standards. Organizers have threatened to escalate their demonstration into a hunger strike.