The J. Henry Meyer Memorial Library passed away early this morning after suffering what University officials have termed a “pre-meditated violent disembowelment.” As residents of Stern and Crothers may have noticed, Meyer lingered in its deafening and dusty death throes for several days before succumbing to an overpowering sense of ennui and going the way of such other venerated Stanford icons as the Stanford Indian, Lake Lag and Leland Stanford Junior.

Meyer is survived by his father, Green, his daughter, Lathrop, and a horde of bastard children all curiously named Arillaga. The library lived a fulfilling life, hosting students, researchers and indigent grad students over its long and varied career, first as a library then as a pointless eyesore. It will be sorely missed?

A memorial service will be held by the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band at 12:30 p.m. on Wednesday on the East side of Meyer. Please join us in laying to rest an old and beloved friend.

Contact Edward M. Beaux, LSJUMB at pr ‘at’ lsjumb.com