Being a Stanford sports fan just got harder. A lot harder. Gone are the days of being able to sit in the Red Zone chanting “Toby, Toby!” over and over while Cardinal football steamrolls opponents. Gone are the days of watching All-Americans Kelly O’Hara and Christen Press lead Stanford women’s soccer to an undefeated regular season and a berth in the National Championship.

Gone are the days of women’s volleyball winning its 16th conference title and making its 29th consecutive NCAA Tournament appearance. Gone are the days of men’s soccer reclaiming national prominence. Gone are the days of seeing men’s water polo atop the national rankings.

Now? Our ‘welcome back to campus’ gift this quarter was a game in which Jerome Randle and the rest of the California Golden Bears crushed a woefully overmatched Stanford squad, 92-66.

Yep, the good-ol’ days are definitely gone.

To compensate for the drop-off of talent and success, here are seven promotions, giveaways and gimmicks that would give the men’s basketball season the amusement it so desperately needs.

1. Bring a keg to the game. The first 50 students (21 and older, of course) in the game are allowed to buy a $10 seat in the student section for their kegs. This one will take care of three problems. First, it encourages students to arrive early. Second, it will all but force fans to stay to the end of the game, no matter the score, because who wants to lug a half-full keg back out of the arena? Third, it will raise some much-needed revenue for the Athletic Department.

2. Golf Cart Giveaway. All students who attend the game will automatically be entered into a halftime raffle to win a golf cart, complete with an all-access parking pass. One caveat: winning fan must hop into the cart and ghost ride all around the court á la Marshawn Lynch.

3. Borat Night. In honor of 6’10’’ sophomore center Matei Daian, a native of Romania, all students will receive a neon-green Borat swimsuit and fake moustache. As frivolous and ridiculous as the giveaway may sound, can you think of a more surefire way for Stanford to get on SportsCenter? I didn’t think so. (And yes, I’m aware Borat is from Kazakhstan, but I don’t think Stuart Scott and Scott Van Pelt would mind.)

4. Taunt the Tree at Halftime. The Leland Stanford Jr. University Marching Band’s mascot has gained notoriety for being cited for public drunkenness at a game after blowing a 0.157 and for fighting and removing the head of Oski, the Cal mascot. So, why not let the Tree get a taste of its own medicine? At halftime, students will be prompted to throw any objects they want at the Tree, which will be forced to stand at center court and take the abuse. Soda, tomatoes, dirty underwear, Stern Dining lasagna — anything that passes through a metal detector.

5. Retro Night. Show footage of the Lopez Twins, Josh Childress, the Collins Twins and other former Stanford greats to remind fans that yes, the Cardinal once had an elite program; and yes, that success can be replicated in the near future.

6. Treehouse Pizza Eat-Off. Ten lucky students will be chosen for an eating competition. The rules are simple: you have the entire game, from tip-off to the final buzzer, to consume as much greasy Treehouse pizza as possible. The student section will be divided into ten groups and assigned to a competitor. If your eater wins, you receive a coupon for a quarter-long supply of pizza.

7. Lil’ Romeo Night. When USC strolls into Maples Pavilion, its most famous (and arguably worst) player, Percy Miller a.k.a. Lil’ Romeo, will be treated to a montage of his work. At every timeout, fans will hear such classics as “My Baby” and “True Love.” At halftime, the Jumbotron will show a few of Mr. Miller’s acting clips, including, but not limited to, Honey, Uncle P and everybody’s favorite, Crush on U.

Mike Lazarus thinks Stanford can attract basketball fans by giving away free shit. Tell him you’d prefer a center to a Borat suit at mlazarus “at” stanford.edu.