January: a month when the lines for treadmills at the gym become clogged with good intentions and fresh resolutions. New Year’s resolutions get a bad rap: they rarely pan out, which leads to a disappointing February.

But Roxy’s not one to let well-set goals go to waste. Remember, a good goal is feasible, measurable and most importantly, tangible – and anything that requires being able to be touched leaves Roxy intrigued.

So, even though Roxy has long ago mastered the secrets of seduction, there’s always room for improvement.

Physical fitness

In the interest of expediency, Roxy’s new goal is to incorporate exercise into every minute of the day. Sitting in class? Do your Kegels. Lacking cardio? Sit next to that hottie in the dining hall and feel your heart rate shoot up. No time to separate business from pleasure? Get a gym buddy for both public and more private workouts. And if you’ve got a car, stop being lazy: biking everywhere gives Roxy all the more chances to eye-hump the pickings in White Plaza and down Mayfield.

Campus safety

Roxy’s all for lowering campus security in order to achieve one goal: more hot prowls. Laptop thefts are a huge bummer, but that’s no reason to prevent people from being able to give sexy 3 a.m. bedside surprises. Trust Roxy, a hot prowl’s a lot more fun when the person in the room has completely consented to being tied and gagged.

Academics

Simply put, Roxy plans to take a full load this quarter. Her classes (and other things) are only interesting if they’re extremely hard. And Roxy sees no reason to avoid the daily grind as long as it also involves a nightly grind – and the more classes she takes, the bigger her selection of TAs and professors to visit in some one-on-one office hours.

Career

Like any responsible Stanford student, Roxy’s looking to find a professional internship, sure, but only because a business casual dress code gives ample opportunities to rock heels and a tight pencil skirt. Of course, gaining experience is important as well, but let’s be real: Roxy prefers the kind that doesn’t belong on a CV. Come on, sir…let’s network.

Learning a new hobby

Roxy’s a utilitarian at heart: if she’s going to expend energy learning a new skill, it’s going to have to benefit those around her. Picking up yoga is a chance to wear yoga pants all day – apologies in advance for causing a few bike crashes. Learning a new language allows Roxy to share her gospel with a whole new group of international cuties. But maybe the best new hobbies learned are still the ones that are shared behind locked doors. You’ll have to ask Roxy about it in person some day.

Happy New Year!