Super Bowl weekend: bringing America together by dividing it in two. For those currently trying to bed someone who is invested in the game’s outcome, pray to the powers that be for a victory for the preferred team, since the outcome can mean triumphant sex or mopey sex. The latter group has Roxy’s sincerest sympathies.

But for those not yet at bedfellow status and looking to impress that sporty gent or lady in your life, the Super Bowl is the perfect opportunity to display your knowledge of football strategies. Although Roxy’s not the best when it comes to defensive tactics (making her easy prey for Ben Roethlisberger), she’s a great offensive coordinator – and knows the value of a tight end both on and off the field.

Plus, Roxy’s going to be honest here: the full-contact roughhousing and beautiful arc of a well-thrown pass really get her clock ticking. Even after the game is over, Roxy’s down for some full-on tackles, a few face masks (for when she wants it rough) or even an unexpected sack. Then sprinkle in a wildcat formation here and there, take it to the end zone and then to cap it off, don’t neglect to split Roxy’s uprights.

Besides the pure joy of a well-played football game and the, er, post-game recap, Roxy knows that a big game such as this one is prime opportunity to get some gambling in. While Roxy’s familiar with the concept of beating the spread – it is, after all, a position she’s been in often – she’s also open to over/under betting as long as it’s followed by some over/under bedding. Or if that fails to excite, perhaps some exotic prop bets; Roxy’s got an open mind.

And which team gets Roxy’s vote this Sunday? Hard to say: Roxy would rather you steel her than pack her, even if you barely know her. But she does also look damn cute in a hat shaped like a wedge of cheese. Instead of attempting prescience, she’s just going to let winner take all. Touchdown, Roxy.