Valentine’s Day celebrates the execution of an early Christian martyr around A.D. 200 as well as, in more modern times, the draconian grip that Hallmark holds upon men in relationships around the world. But for the true spirit of the holiday, Roxy advises looking no farther than the bedroom (or kitchen, abandoned classroom, back alley, etc.): Valentine’s Day is a time to get laid — whatever it takes.

Roxy never backs away from a challenge. Want to get a little bang for your buck this Valentine’s Day? The various methods to unlock success — and to unzip those jeans — lie below:

Jargon-laced pickup lines

Nothing makes that stud in your discussion section perk up like a pickup line that shows both a deep understanding of the subject at hand as well as a willingness to be his or her subject at hand. Econ major, for example? Roxy knows that if you toss a few nonchalant observations about the steady growth in his private sector and solutions for addressing inflationary issues, the point gets across pretty well. Got eyes for your hot CS ta? /* This method removes all graphics objects from the canvas, just as Roxy would like to remove all clothes from your body. */

Shot-or-send … sans shot

Roxy often finds herself frustrated by the lack of honesty in today’s social interactions — especially via text. You only have 160 characters, so why waste them on platitudes and pleasantries? “Let’s get coffee sometime?” No. “Let’s have sex tomorrow?” Yes. “Are you going out tonight? :)” Lame. “When I find you at the party, I’m going to do dirty things to you, and you’re going to like it?” Always. “I’m kinda busy this week?” Cowardly. “I actually would rather date your neighbor?” That’s more like it. College is short; text the truth. Roxy knows it might lead to some enemies, but it’s also more likely to lead into someone’s bed on the 14th.

Old school

A bouquet of roses is, in many cases, a highly effective panty dropper. Get some. (Roxy prefers poppies … just, you know, for the record.) Girls: The old adage that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is true, but just so you know, focusing about 10 inches below instead works pretty well too.

Ex-sex

Roxy’s a proud woman, but not too proud to admit that she has strayed into this gray area on multiple occasions, usually when times are rough and pickings are slim. Pros: it’s an easy lay and a bad idea, and when Roxy knows something is just a little wrong, it makes it feel that much more right. Cons: it runs the risk of post-liaison complications. As always, Roxy’s rule of thumb is to be the guest, not the host, so that she retains the ability to leave whenever things shift from raunchy to awkward. Peg it and leg it, folks.

Still can’t get a bedfellow for Valentine’s Day? E-mail Roxy Sass at [email protected].