Roxy Sass determines the relationship…at the zoo

March 9, 2011, 12:32 a.m.

Ah, the DTR talk. Essential and often unavoidable (believe me, Roxy has tried). But Facebook-esque categories of relationships are far too restrictive: there’s so much more than “it’s complicated” and “open relationship” in that beautiful in-between from single to do-not-mingle.

Unsure of how to classify your quasi-relationship when your hookup sits you down to DTR? Try one of Roxy’s animal metaphor terms (patent pending) to perfectly encapsulate the expectations and tendencies of your protracted liaison.

The Barnacle
Roxy’s had a few barnacles stuck to her hull over the years. The barnacle is dependable–always texts back, picks Roxy up from the airport, walks her home when she’s been creeped on enough for one night. But when she’s trying to lure that hottie back to her dorm, the barnacle’s unfortunately there as well (“hey! where’d you go?”). Yet Roxy finds they have a certain charm. Or maybe she’s remembering that barnacles have the largest penis-size-to-body-size ratio of any animal? There’s food for thought.

The Vampire
Relax–Roxy’s not referring to Pattinson the Pale (for the record, she prefers his werewolf rival because of his striking resemblance to a very muscular hedgehog)–but rather to the couple whose relationship cannot stand the light of day. Do you shoot awkward glances at each other in class yet slam against the wall in vigorous make-outs when the party’s rolling? Leave before sunrise and only meet up again after a 1:30 a.m. booty text? Vampire. Roxy finds the double-life (and sharp teeth) somewhat intriguing. Anyone want to take that hickey to the next level?

The Tiger
It roars at Roxy one day then paws her gently the next. She knows it’s pretty antifeminist, but Roxy kind of digs the barely veiled rage and the way it growls possessively over her. Roxy’s not concerned about taming the tiger (she knows they never change their stripes)–just happy to have a chance to crack a whip every once in a while.

The Three-Legged Dog
Roxy thought it was cute at first (aw, look at the widdle puppy!), but once it started licking her face, she was pretty much over it. Unfortunately, a three-legged dog makes up for its missing leg with extra devotion. It’s a handy companion to have when braving the scary path between 680 and EBF, but be careful–even cold-hearted Roxy has a hard time not tearing up when she hurts the dog’s feelings and it hits her back with sad puppy eyes. Tread carefully.

The Unicorn
The relationship that’s too good to be true. The unicorn usually expires in about a month, after which Roxy realizes she’s been rolling around in the hay with a white horse wearing a shiny carrot on its forehead.

More interested in DTF than DTR? Shoot Roxy an e-mail at [email protected].

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