Roxy Sass: Dump Truck

April 1, 2011, 12:34 a.m.

The winter of our discontent is over. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to rid yourself from that warm body you kept around just for comfort’s sake. S is for spring quarter, but it’s also for sexytime. Sundresses galore and shirtless volleyball in front of Sigma Nu — oh my Roxy!

Having a hard time figuring out how to close a particular door so you can open that new lip-bite-inducing, toe-curling window in your bio class? Out with the stale and in with the fresh. (NB: spring quarter means it’s finally okay for Roxy and other upperclassmen to prey on freshmen. You have to give them two quarters of misguided dormcest and high-school rollovers before moving in for the kill. It’s only fair.)
Float on

Roxy’s a sensitive gal, and she knows one thing: breakups make people sad. So why go through one at all? Roxy prefers to keep relationships casual — a hookup here and there, hints of a Thing-with-a-capital-T but never any concrete promises — so that when the time comes to move on, she simply steps aside and lets silence do the talking. The dumpee is free to blame Roxy for being flaky; Roxy avoids an awkward situation and keeps her Sass intact.
Go public

If Roxy does manage to get tied down, she knows nothing travels faster than drama-filled gossip. Time to dump your chump? Make a scene — not only will word of your new single status reach the eager ears of all those “what-ifs” faster, you’ll also coat yourself in a veneer of post-breakup vulnerability. Please — Roxy wants nothing more than for you to take advantage of her emotionally fragile state all night long.
In name only

Just because you “broke up” doesn’t mean you have to stop getting your kicks. Roxy has, in a few cases, managed to break up with someone so gently that the boring commitment stuff fades away, while the good times stay. You can’t spell “sex” without “ex” for a reason. Pro tip: blaming a breakup on an unavoidable outside reason (graduation, anyone?) is step one to a friendly “separation” that’ll let you pursue new avenues guilt-free.
Via text

Bonus points if you can write a break-up text long enough to arrive in two separate messages for extra suspense.
The pre-emptive approach

Sometimes, Roxy just has to break up with someone before they’re even dating. Although she’s always reluctant to shut down someone who’s been tryna (who doesn’t love a little attention?), being straight up with someone who has no chance of boarding the train to Sass-town is usually appreciated and not considered presumptuous. Life can’t be all fun and games… unless, that is, Roxy’s got her eyes set on you.

Just been dumped? Come to mama and email Roxy at [email protected]

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