Roxy Sass: The Art of Sexiling

April 15, 2011, 12:32 a.m.

It’s a hard knock life when you’re trying to get in a little hard knockin’, especially as a freshman or as an unfortunate resident of any other one-room double/triple/quad/quint-if-you’re-in-Columbae. Sexiling: you’re either homeless or heartless, Roxy always says. (In her humble opinion, better to be the heartless one who kicks out the roommate unceremoniously in order to get your own kicks.)

But why the sudden salience? Roxy sees a pattern in spring quarter, and it’s a juicy one. Warm weather leads to fewer clothes lead to sluttier party outfits lead to a sharp increase in the number of hookups and oh-so-happy endings. And while Roxy definitely knows her way around creative sexin’ locales (she can’t even sit in a class in the history corner anymore without some Pavlovian reaction in the panties), she also knows that beds were made for, yes, sleeping, but mostly for banging — during which a roommate’s unwelcome presence can be quite the bonerkill.

As always, there are two sides to the coin — especially when it comes to getting head and/or tail.

If you’re the sexiler, take Roxy’s advice: as long as it doesn’t totally block your chance to bump and grind, try to be gracious and considerate (trust Roxy — one day you will be the sexilee). Call up your honey when the roommate’s away at his afternoon lecture (skyrockets in flight…) or disappear early from that frat party to get a couple hours alone before his return.

Pro tip: for a more permanent setup, play matchmaker between your roommate and someone with a single or at least a two-room double. Best bets are seniors or residence staff. Roxy needs a kitchen manager to stock her right here, right now. Please — she’s hungry.

If you’re the sexilee, general sympathy is on your side, so do as Roxy does in such situations: take advantage. Use the situation to call up that warm body you’ve been eyeing — that is, only since Roxy’s not available — and play the temporarily homeless card. Any means justify the ends if the end is a little (consensual) roll in the hay.

But if you’re of the more schadenfreude-inclined type, there’s much fun to be had in stopping others’ fun. Stay oblivious to subtle hints from the roommate, play up the third-wheel bit (“Hey guys, what’re you up to?!”) and study in your room for hours on end, insisting that you “just can’t reach the same productivity” in the lounge or the library. Best bet? Bring back your own ill-advised dormmate hookup and turn the tables on them. Or for a the-more-the-merrier solution, offer to ease the awkwardness by turning the third wheel into a third participant. Three’s a crowd — Roxy’s favorite kind.

Looking for a fourth? Email Roxy at [email protected].

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