Roxy wouldn’t go so far as to call herself a cheater, but she’s been mighty close. It’s a little inevitable: Stanford students are smart, fit, attractive and often tinted with ADD. Throw those all into a hot and steamy Phi Sig dance floor or a late-night study room, and sordid thoughts start to flow.

Arnold’s got Roxy thinking: real monogamy is incredibly difficult. Of course it has its perks — a relationship is best when deep thrusts are paired with deep trust — but in college, the long-term goal is hard to keep in your frontal cortex, especially when it’s shriveled up with booze and other miscellany.

So, cheating happens — and Roxy knows it can be both accidental and not-so-accidental. Roxy’s not here to preach one moral side over the other, so she’ll give both sides of the question (and you, if you’ll let her) a thorough examination:
For those committed — officially or not — to someone but looking to dabble on the side, a few tips. iPhone? Put on a passcode and adjust your settings to not have your texts show on your screen. The best part of cheating is the sneaking: the secret glances, the clandestine meetings, getting to use the word ‘clandestine,’ etc. Don’t ruin the fun by slipping up and making out at a party. Trust Roxy: people see you and they’re not (always) too drunk to remember.

And on a more moral note, if the cheater plans to tell the cuckold, don’t let someone else tell first. It sucks to find out your significant other is sucking someone else — don’t add insult to injury. And if the cheater doesn’t plan to tell, don’t tell anyone else, either. It’s a first-world country: we have time to gossip, and we (especially Roxy) do it more than we’d like to admit.

If your thoughts wander in places they shouldn’t, but you hesitate to break the Honor Code, a few tips. Roxy has far too much empirical evidence to support this theory: if you’ve thought about it enough, add tequila and you just might do it. If you want to give monogamy a try, avoid that hottie you really want to turn into cougar prey, especially when it’s hunting hours. Even if you think a beautiful relationship might arise from it, be wary: a lot of relationships are shaped by the way they begin. If you started out on bottom, you might end up feeling even lower than before.

But these are thoughts far too Debbie Downer for the joy of undergrad debauchery. If you’re lucky enough to have a relationship worth being faithful for, keep it. For the rest of you, remember: you’re in college. Be nice to those you date, but give Roxy a call every once in a while.

Looking for something a little sordid? Email Roxy at [email protected].