Roxy Sass: Walking the Walk

Oct. 14, 2011, 12:53 a.m.

Roxy remembers her first Full Moon…sort of. Ever the overachiever (hello, Stanford), Roxy completed her bingo board in record time, but decided to step her game up. Twenty-two tick-marks and several hours later, she found herself in a two-room double in some faraway fraternity, confronted with her first morning walk home.

After a moonlit night of debauchery amidst the palm trees, you may have woken up anywhere from EV (hopefully not) to your old Donner stomping grounds. It’s a problem Roxy’s faced many a time before: how to walk–or stumble–back to her dorm without too much hassle. After years of experience, Roxy now knows all about turning that walk of shame into one of pride. Though she’s lost a few socks along the way, Roxy’s managed to escape with some dignity after getting into tight situations.

Surviving the worst routes home
Stanford’s a big campus, and Roxy has never been one to discriminate based on geography…or anything else for that matter. Ever the scientist, Roxy has experimented with all kinds of routes home and has found some tried and true paths as well as some that should be avoided more than a gropey freshman at the end of the night.

Lake Lag: Though Roxy loathes any exercise other than working her abs and glutes, those gym shorts she stole from her latest conquest can prove pretty useful. After working up a sweat in the bedroom, just throw your hair into a ponytail and jog back home. No early-morning runner will be the wiser…until they notice you’re carrying a pair of heels.

White Plaza: Like emotional attachment, White Plaza is something Roxy steers clear of the day after a hookup. It’s always uncomfortable when a group of tourists tries to take your picture (though Roxy never says no to attention), but trust Roxy when she tells you that it’s even worse when they want a snapshot with last night’s makeup and some inexplicable glitter smeared across your face.

Munger: Grad students aren’t getting laid, so you might as well walk through and show off. Roxy advises that you be aware of the occasional small children and families that can sometimes be found in the courtyard, since no one wants to give a talk about the birds and the bees that early in the morning.

No matter the path you take, Roxy has found that her own variation of Murphy’s law will always hold: anyone you don’t want to run into, you will. Just embrace it and hope they think your choice of hot-pink spandex is part of your new ‘80s aesthetic and not the remnants of last night’s rally.

Strutting your stuff
Roxy’s never understood why anyone would feel ashamed after getting some, and she considers her treks home more “victory laps” than “walks of shame.” That being said, she understands modesty, and Roxy knows that these tips never fail: if you’ve found yourself with an upperclassman, then get a ride home. Still in rally gear? Then walk backwards across campus and start spewing Stanford facts. And finally, if you’re still drunk, then why go home at all?

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