Homecoming. This weekend’s big event has one of Roxy’s favorite words packaged right in, so it’s already doing something right for her. And while some of you might like 69 as a position, Roxy prefers ’69 as a vintage. Like the classy pornography of yesteryear or an old bottle of Merlot, lovers get better with age. So as our predecessors enjoy hors d’oeuvre under those white tents, Roxy suggests you bring some of that sausage (or sushi) back under the sheets. But Roxy knows that it takes a little work to turn innuendo into in-yo-end-o, so she thought all you cubs and kittens might want a little help landing a cougar or sugar daddy.

Before you blow your target, you need to know your target. When dealing with an older generation, being “cocky” won’t get you as far as you’d hope. For all the boots Roxy’s knocked in her time on the Farm, she knows that lower class years mean higher experience. You might be riding the momentum of your frat-fueled descent from high school innocence, but for that studly gentleman with the silver streaks or the scorched-blond MILF passing you winks, carnal is banal. It might sound intimidating, especially since Roxy wears her horny little heart on her sleeve (even if she isn’t wearing much else).

Another word of warning: You’ll likely be going for sober prey in broad daylight, two factors that Roxy isn’t used to from her dark, sweaty nights on Sigma Nu’s beer-coated dance floor. Roxy knows it takes some work to make that scene sexy, but don’t fall back on your tried-and-true pickup line of “nice shoes, wanna fuck?” You’ll need something classier for the class of ’86, especially sans-drank. (But Roxy still likes to pregame her homecoming tent-raiding, just to take the edge off.)

But fear not, young hunters. You may be a fish out of water this weekend, but these alluring alumni will never feel more in their element. They were Stanford students once, after all–and nothing gets those hormones flowing like a trip back to the old stomping grounds (if “stomping” is what you want to call it). Roxy is usually the one making the moves, but sometimes it’s best to just let someone else take over. So turn on your cougar-radar or sugar daddy-sonar, practice your innocent smile and let those home-comers go to work. And who knows? When Roxy’s back in bed, those aged-to-perfection lovers might even show her a few new tricks.

Come on home, baby.