Roxy’s heard it said that relationships are like a five-unit class, and over the years she’s had to pull plenty of all-nighters. Fortunately for those of you with a full course load, Roxy’s prepared a quick and dirty guide to the kinds of relationships you’ll find.

Friends without benefits

A relationship category with all the makings of a terrible rom-com, seemingly platonic friendships abound at Stanford. Roxy’s seen it many times before: two friends who essentially act like they’re dating without any of the perks. Call her a cynic, but Roxy believes that — much like the cheesy pickup lines she heard last pub night — these relationships just don’t work. In her experience, at least one of the two wants the friendship to be a little…friendlier. If you’ve found yourself as a friend without benefits, Roxy suggests you think long and hard about the relationship — if you haven’t thought about anything else getting long and hard, it’s probably the other 50 percent of the friendship who’d like to see you with 50 percent less clothes on. And if you’re trying to move out of the friend zone and into the erogenous zones, Roxy suggests you make your move already.

Casual hookups

Roxy has heard many people bemoan the prevalence of the random hookup at Stanford, but to be honest, she doesn’t understand why they would oppose anything that makes them moan. As a busy Stanford student, Roxy hardly has time for meals let alone feelings. With so many constraints on our time, random hookups are a matter of efficiency — we have a population of 3,500 male and 3,300 female undergrads (in the spirit of science, Roxy did her research) and only four years where guilt-free, frat-party hookups are socially acceptable. That’s what they mean by getting the most out of college, right?

Not-so-casual hookups

Ultimately, hookups are more about quality than quantity, and Roxy recognizes that a one-time encounter may grow into something more. While she believes that feelings, like STIs and pregnancy, are an unpleasant outcome to be avoided at all costs, many others on this campus don’t have Roxy’s hard resolve. Often, these people claim to be completely devoid of feelings when all observers with a pulse could tell you otherwise. Reality check: If you’re texting that often and the messages don’t include pics (or setting a time to see the real thing), Roxy suggests you stop lying to yourself and accept that it’s no longer just about getting laid.

Old, married couples

While Roxy has taken to the rare silver fox, she finds few other “old” things sexy, and couples that begin to act like they’ve been married for 50-plus years are no exception. Perhaps Roxy’s least favorite type of relationship on campus, the old, married couple started dating and immediately stopped having fun of any kind. If you find yourself leaving your room only for food, class and the occasional shower and/or spend most of your time in bed together but haven’t done anything but cuddle for more than a week, it’s time for an intervention. Your friends may not have said anything to you, but Roxy is the best friend of all: If you’re not getting action, it’s time to get out. Or at least, you know, leave the dorm room once in a while.

Looking for something else quick and dirty? Email Roxy at [email protected].