Roxy Sass: Quit the coy talk

April 20, 2012, 12:51 a.m.

Note: Roxy would like to sincerely apologize for excluding SAE from her last column. Roxy has always been a fan of tennis players and Latin men, and SAE is no exception. And let’s be real – Roxy’s on her back before you can even say “Back to School.”


Roxy, as you might imagine, has been pursued by many a boy (and the occasional girl). And though she tries to keep an open mind (her version of the old adage “don’t knock it till you try it” is more along the lines of “don’t knock it till you’ve knocked boots”), she is more of a quality-over-quantity girl. Or, more realistically, a quality-and-quantity girl. And size and frequency. And though Roxy is game to play in the bedroom, one game Roxy doesn’t play is Hard-to-Get (she plays Get-to-Hard!). So, over the years, Roxy has learned some of the most and least effective ways to send the occasional unwanted suitors packing.


When Roxy’s not willing to drop her pants, she usually starts by dropping subtle hints. References to “friendship” and prolific use of the word “buddy” do the trick with the more astute boys. And when Roxy, whose spring quarter schedule is as open as her legs often are, is suddenly never available to hang out, it isn’t because she’s got one too many games of sloshball planned.


Unfortunately, while the male population at Stanford is well-endowed in some ways (mostly intelligence and…well, you know), their strengths don’t always include social awareness. When Roxy finds herself caught in hard situations (not the good kind), she sometimes resorts to talking about her own exploits (you may have noticed that Roxy’s not afraid to kiss and tell) or, if that doesn’t work, trying to help the boy in question get some somewhere else.


For the most unshakable crushes, Roxy occasionally resorts to more drastic measures. Nothing’s more of a boner kill than having to hear about an ex, and Roxy’s acted the part of a crazy ex-girlfriend in dire circumstances. Of course, this is a high-risk technique: While it might scare off unwanted boys, if word spreads, it might scare off future prospects as well. And nothing is scarier to Roxy than not being able to get any.


Have you found yourself being chased by an incredibly cute boy you just can’t get rid of? There’s one more technique that might work – send him Roxy’s way with an email to [email protected].

Login or create an account

Apply to The Daily’s High School Winter Program

Applications Due Soon