It’s easy at a place like Stanford to fall into the habit of having safe, redundant conversations every time you run into someone. You are all familiar with the following construction.
A: (hyperbolically) Hey! It’s so good to see you! How was your summer?
B: It was great–I restored the natural habitat of endangered tree frogs in South America.
A: That’s awesome! (non-sequitur to let B know she is NOT single) My boyfriend loves tree frogs.
B: (confused) Oh! Cool.
(Glimmer of an imminent pause. Oh God, oh no. Not silence.)
B: So what are you taking this quarter?
A: SF224, CA109B, and QW&C122.
B: (to self: what the hell does QW&C stand for?) That sounds like a heavy load…
You know where this is going. Nowhere. And it happens so quickly it sounds like the side-effect warnings in a Zoloft commercial. It’s true that Stanford students are often running off to their 1:15 section, and five minutes isn’t enough to get past the fluff in a conversation. Still, there is a palpable pressure on campus to look sunny, busy and successful that stands in the way of the meatier, scarier parts of conversation. That pressure might be responsible for the pouts you see instead of smiles, the self-important strut that replaces a casual stroll. Maybe if we just let that awkward pause happen, it would unlock the door to the real stuff.
Then again, maybe the real stuff is hiding in plain sight, encrypted in the small talk. Just to experiment, here is a more hopeful take on what is actually being said in the conversation above.
A: Wow. You’re invading the space-time continuum by being here. I compartmentalized you in my Freshman Year Experience. Way to throw me for a loop.
B: Seeing you makes me feel really average since I know via Facebook that you’re double majoring in Physics and IR. Is it enough that I spent my summer restoring the natural habitat of endangered tree frogs in South America?
A: Just to be clear, I’m seeing someone. Glad we’re on the same page.
B: I’m actually just trying to be friendly, but I guess I’m glad we’re clear on that too.
(Glimmer of an imminent pause. Oh God, oh no. Not silence.)
B: Anyway, how are you doing?
A: Are you sincerely asking, or just being polite?
B: I’m sincerely asking. I want to get to know you…
I like to think this is what actually goes on in the small-talk do-si-do. There is something generous in taking even five minutes to exchange niceties, even if they are insubstantial in nature. So if I ask you for the fifth time what classes you are taking this quarter, know that what I’m really saying is I’m curious and I want to get to know you, I just don’t have the words to say it outright.