Dear freshmen,

Welcome to Stanford. Welcome to four years of endless homework, awkward hookups, Keystone Light… and some of the best times of your life. The overwhelming majority of you are away from home for the first time, free to binge on alcohol and, gasp, even share a bathroom with a member of the opposite gender.

But don’t let the brochure’s smiling faces mislead you. The freedom may be nice, but, truth is, freshman year is rough… and we’re not just talking about the sex. Take it from Roxy — she’s been through it all. Here are some lessons she learned the (ahem) hard way:

1. Be kind to your staff. They will spend more time holding your head out of the toilet than you will remember… after all, your head was in the toilet.

2. Take a tip from Macklemore and rock the thrift store chic: Invest in a rally box full of crazy costumes from Savers to whip out for themed parties, Band Runs, Bay to Breakers… or really any Stanford event at all.

3. If you’re doing the walk of shame (or triumph, as Roxy likes to think), head to Stern for brunch. You can blend in among all the other frosh who’ve been up all night, either coding or engaged in more… rewarding… late-night pursuits.

4. Speaking of hangovers, the strongest cups of coffee on campus can be found, in order, at Coupa Café, Starbucks and the CoHo. God bless the meal plan dollar-accepting Olives, but drinking their coffee is like licking an ashtray.

5. Make friends with your PHE. They have condoms. Because, although Roxy supports most sexual activity, she draws the line at the unprotected kind.

6. Your PHE doesn’t have an endless supply. Hit up the Sexual Health Peer Resource Center (SHPRC) for 30(!) free condoms a quarter.

7. You’ve probably attended a bunch of presentations about relationships at Stanford — but they lied to you. People don’t date here. Going to Arrillaga together doesn’t count.

8. That cute guy down the hall may seem like a good idea right now, but you will regret it when you are forced to spend four hours next to him on a bus driving up to Tahoe. Engage in dormcest at your own risk.

9. Don’t be the idiot who gets a tattoo of their dorm name at scavenger hunt. That shit is forever.

10. Don’t, under any circumstances, pull the fire alarm.

This week, a lot of people will be giving you advice about what (and who) to do. Roxy can’t make your mistakes for you, but she knows which ones she would gladly make again.

Enjoy your freedom, freshmen. Go forth and multiply.

 — Roxy