Party pack: Things I’ve learned while partying

Feb. 7, 2019, 1:00 a.m.

Many of us have been there. We just finished a midterm exam or a big presentation, and the night is calling. To party or not to party becomes the question of preference, despite a p-set full of unanswered questions on partial derivatives. Too often, however, social life – and, in particular, party life – is dismissed as a luxury. With a quarter system, who has time to party when the opportunity cost is learning how to code one’s way into Silicon Valley? I’ll make a case against this – and a case for making bad decisions. The intellectual vitality jumps out at parties. Here are ten lessons I have learned while partying:

1. A hoe never gets cold, but a hoe can get pneumonia.

If I had a dollar every time I have heard this expression, I would no longer be low-income. Like the U.S. post office, my party habits endure regardless of rain, snow, sleet or hail. However, unlike most of my friends, I will wear a sweater.

Also, when someone invites you to go fountain hopping under the glow of the moon, respectfully flake. You already flake on meetings, so why not on spontaneous adventures that will ultimately lead to a bad case of pneumonia?

2. Always bring food.

A lot of people worship 5SURE for feeding the masses of drunks, but everyone worships that person who has Cinnamon Toast Crunch and especially Chip Ahoy at immediate disposal. You get major brownie points.

3. Don’t jump out windows nor roofs.

You would think this is self-explanatory, but it can never be reiterated enough. Future you will thank you when you are not sore and bruised from the night before. You’ll also be amazed at your ability to get out of bed without your knees failing on you.

4. Never wear white for any parties, regardless of the party’s theme.

This is especially applicable during winter quarter when rain becomes a more common occurrence than a daily dose of serotonin.

5. If you don’t know where the party is, don’t fret.

Half of the fun is stumbling around campus moving from house to house until, finally, you hear Sicko Mode or Mo Bamba playing. Like pigeons migrating across the country, we all have a primitive instinct that leads us directly to the party.

6. Finesse food through any means possible.

Everyone and I mean everyone, goes to TAP or Late Nite. Why go to such crowded places when you can just sneak food away from on-calls? Is Cardinal Nights having an event with food? You might just have to pop by and support. Are you going to change outfits? Your twin might just have to snatch you some Chex Mix from 5SURE.

7. There is no better time to network than at a party.

The number of people that I know solely on a party basis is amazing. Remember all those people you met in introsems or classes last quarter? Yeah, they still exist. If you are lucky enough, you’ll bump into them often. If you think about it, statistically speaking, you’re bound to end up partying with a future senator or a congressional representative.

8. Do not bike under any circumstances.

Seriously just walk to the party; it is not that hard! Yes, the threat of getting a BUI should deter you if you’re drinking, but even if you aren’t, a bike creates a divide between those who walk everywhere and those who don’t. Getting a BUI is NOT fun, but you know what’s even less fun: having to walk your bike alongside your friend as you trek across campus. Simply walk with the crowd and embrace the mob mentality.

9. Do not dance on tables.

The guillotine awaits everyone, past and present, who has danced on a table. We have watched with envy and awe, but to all of those who have been lucky enough to dance on a surface top, watch your back. You might just wake up the next day and see that your arms and legs have been scratched in what appears to be a form of vengeance by the masses. Justice comes in many forms, and that includes the shaking of tables.

10. Treat yourself.

Partying is a lot of work. Be sure to hydrate and take care of friends and what-not. Be sure to have your bed made so you can immediately go to sleep soon after returning to your dorm. If you’re wise, you should also finish your work before heading out to party. That way, future you can recover and relax and maybe even reflect.

After reflecting, you might even find yourself writing an article on your experiences. In a weird way, you might end up being productive while allegedly taking a break. The grind never stops – even at parties.


Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’


Richard Coca '22 has previously served as editor of The Grind for volume 258, managing editor of Satire in vol. 257, and CLIP Co-chair in vol. 255. He is majoring in Human Biology and minoring in Anthropology. Contact him at rcoca 'at'

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