Types of Uber drivers at Stanford

April 18, 2019, 1:00 a.m.

Stanford is notorious for the people and talent it attracts, and this statement extends beyond its students. It seems that as a university, Stanford is a magnet for some of the most interesting Uber drivers I’ve met.  Regardless of their character, what distinguishes these drivers is how archetypal they are and how people like them can found in different cities. So without further ado, meet the type of Uber drivers Stanford attracts.

The Brainiac

This Uber driver will blow your mind by explaining to you the intricate history of Stanford’s role in the Bay Area’s affordable housing crisis. They’ll also casually bring up how they can speak seven languages, play six instruments and then swiftly transition to a humble-brag about their successful start-up.

The Detective

This type of driver will see that you’re venturing to Target and ask you about every single one of your intended purchases. There’s no greater joy than finally leaving the interrogation of your Uber drive.

The Post Sex Uber

It’s 2:30 a.m., and these drivers know where the money’s at. Their preferred time for business is late enough at night to avoid having to pick up drunks, but early enough to take advantage of hook-up prime-time. The surging of prices convinces these drivers to take on this lucrative and titillating opportunity. Freshly exiting a hookup usually means that conversation is a no-no, easing the pressure on the rider and driver.

The Self Driving Car

Is the car self-driving? AI-powered? In reality, these type of drivers do not speak a word. It’s not that you didn’t try to initiate a conversation, it’s that they didn’t reciprocate. These drivers simply prefer a quiet ride, and if they’re nice they’ll turn on some nice jazz tunes. You’re allowed to simply scroll through your phone’s feed, and it’s socially acceptable. A true deal, if you will.

The “Fuck You. Cancel”

(Based on a true Uber adventure with Luz Martinez ’22 and Gaurav Sandhu ’22) This Uber driver can’t find your location. Not only do you try to find them and ask them for their location, but their frustration over the phone stresses you both out until, finally, this driver screams at you: “Fuck you! Cancel!” With no driver in sight and an unjustly imposed five dollar cancellation fee, you really can’t help but sit on the sidewalk and write a Grind article about Uber drivers.

The Best Friend

This Uber driver is the best. They offer you the aux cord, or, if not, they have the exact same music taste. Sometimes, they’ll even give you free boba, and as your ride continues, you have a conversation with them that is so profoundly meaningful that you wonder why Master Yoda is your Uber driver. They’ll make you laugh, tell you stories that make you cry and have you wonder how incredibly lucky you are to meet a person like this.`

The Crush

Like the best friend, except cuter and more emotionally unavailable.

Regardless, they all earned five stars in my book.

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Richard Coca '22 has previously served as editor of The Grind for volume 258, managing editor of Satire in vol. 257, and CLIP Co-chair in vol. 255. He is majoring in Human Biology and minoring in Anthropology. Contact him at rcoca 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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