Hey y’all! I have to apologize for never posting an official introduction on The Official Stanford Class of 2022. Since I procrastinate on literally everything, I even procrastinated writing this but c’est la vie. (Better now than never right?) My name’s Richard Coca — yes, like the soda — and I’m from the San Fernando Valley, down by Southern California! I am so excited to go to Stanford, omg, I heard they have like palm trees too and whatever. Anyways, without further ado, here I go:

1. I am quirky, like so quirky. I’m the type of quirky that constantly reminds you that they’re quirky. I mean, I eat strawberries whole (greens and all).
2. I like boba, except when someone spits tapioca balls at me, because let’s be honest. That’s kind of weird.
3. I love Twitter (almost as much as my AirPods) — like I literally let Twitter pick my classes for spring quarter.
4. I’m an unofficial tour guide. (Don’t ask, or do because my email is down below.)
5. Speaking of emails, I also really love emails. (Ask my dorm.) I am the master of gifs, bolded lines and quirky emails that get circulated around.
6. I used to be an Android user, and that has pretty much shaped my entire personality for a while. I now have an iPhone so I understand how emotionally manipulative Apple is towards promoting hatred against Androids.
7. I think being overcommitted and being busy is a personality trait. (RIP my mental health.)
8. I would say I’m relatively spontaneous. Invite me to go fountain hopping at midnight, and I will probably join you. I’ll probably regret it later, but you get what I mean.
9. I consider myself pretty in touch with nature. Catch me tripping and rolling down a hill at the Stanford Dish trail.
10. I’m also not musically inclined whatsoever, so naturally catch me playing with the one, the only, the truly incomparable Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band.
11. I am pretty interested in campus activism, so catch me supporting student petitions and being involved with different movements.
12. Also, I firmly believe water’s wet.

So that’s basically me in a nutshell! So honored to be among such wonderful people, and excited to meet you all on the Farm come September!

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.