Grounds management uses infinity stones to wipe out half of the caterpillar population

May 13, 2019, 1:00 a.m.

Students on east campus received an email from Residential & Dining Enterprises (RD&E) late last week notifying them about “routine pest control.” In order to mitigate the rampant population of western tussock moth caterpillars on campus, grounds management utilized the six infinity stones.

In a dramatic display, Grounds Manager Joshua Thanos put on the gauntlet, paraded to White Plaza with the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band and snapped his fingers — eliminating millions of the fuzzy fiends.

“Perfectly balanced, as all things should be,” said Thanos.

According to university officials, the first few stones were not difficult to obtain. The first was discovered by the introductory seminar (introsem) titled “Eight Great Archaeological Sites in Europe.” Two stones were found by a group of drunk freshmen in the dark depths of the steam tunnels.

It is rumored that the Tessier-Lavigne lab synthesized the power stone, prompting his rise to president. The fifth was purchased with a budget surplus for $6.5 million — the source of this surplus is unknown at this time.

The last stone needed was the soul stone. The location of the stone was known but securing it proved tricky. The soul stone was kept underneath the Dish and guarded by the ghosts of the Stanford family.

All that was needed from the university to obtain the soul stone from the Stanfords was the sacrifice of a loved one. This prophecy was fulfilled early last week when the university hurled SU Press over the mountain.

With the successful extermination of the western tussocks, Stanford is currently looking into other possibilities for the infinity stones, such as time travel and mind control. In the meantime, at least I can walk outside without a flying caterpillar attacking me.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’

Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at'

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