RA begins literally fading away as residents forget them
Stanford RAs are reporting symptoms like “slowly deteriorating into the netherworld” and “sadness” as their residents begin forgetting their existence.
Patrick Monreal
Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.
New study finds vaccine designed to protect against disease may actually protect against disease
SATIRE: “It seems that those years and years of research, trials and testing that were put into making this vaccine were, in fact, real.”
9 ridiculously cute Zoom backgrounds to put a smile on anyone’s face
SATIRE: To help ease the transition to virtual learning, we put together a list of super fun Zoom backgrounds to put a smile on anyone’s face!
Gov. Newsom briefs California: ‘Yes, I individually glue each hair in position every morning’
“Look, my team and I have played around a lot and we tend to think that Elmer’s ‘Washable Clear School Glue’ works best,” Newsom confidently informed reporters.
Sheltering in place, in haikus
SATIRE: We asked our readers to share what they've been up to while stuck inside.
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Mr. Owl just tested positive for COVID-19, and he’s been licking all the Tootsie Pops
The beloved Mr. Owl tested positive for COVID-19. Even more unsettling, Tootsie Roll Industries alerted the nation that he had been licking every lollipop in production since 1970.
Quarantine especially difficult for local serial killer
We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers.
Student wears Nerd Nation shirt for 6th straight day this week
Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball.
MTL apologizes to daughter for flaking on Family Weekend
In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend.
I forced a bot to read over 1,000 emails from my Academic Advising Director then had it write its own
SATIRE: Would you have been able to tell it wasn't written by a human being?
ASSU candidate spotlight: 2 debate kids in a trench coat, provost in a mustache and more
Prepare your apathy — it’s student government election season! Prospective candidates filed for ASSU elections last week
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Stanford researchers uncover link between increased productivity and having 6 Outlook tabs open
In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop. “One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient.…
Professor prepares for quarter by updating last year’s syllabus with this year’s dates
SATIRE: In addition to updating dates, the professor also went to great lengths to ensure his syllabus included the latest edition of the textbook he authored.
Mary exhausted as Jesus is born for the 2,023rd time
SATIRE: We did our research on this one, folks. Wikipedia says Jesus' first birth took place around 4 B.C., making this Christmas the 2,023rd birth of Jesus Christ.
Winter Rundown: Elf on the Shelf stares into five-year-old’s soul, grandma watches Fox News and more
SATIRE: We compiled a list of headlines you missed while on winter break to keep you informed on the exciting things Stanford students are doing!
Berkeley wins Big Game, granting it the Program in Writing and Rhetoric for the next year
SATIRE: While Stanford owned the classes for the past nine years, it and the third floor of Sweet Hall now have to translocate to Berkeley.
I got coffee with my Marriage Pact and accidentally decided the future of Greek life on campus
SATIRE: Like the rest of campus, I, too, eagerly awaited the results of the Marriage Pact. At midnight, I anxiously opened up the email and my match was a name I didn’t recognize: Cole Brubaker-Susie.
U.S. News names Palo Alto as nation’s most affordable city in ‘alternate dimension’ category
SATIRE: It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.
New students avoid ‘freshman 15’ by trying out Malibu cleanse
You may have heard of trends like the paleo or keto diet, but the latest health fad captivating the nation actually originates here, inside the dorms at Stanford. Even though the Farm is globally recognized as a hub of innovation and genius, nobody could have predicted what health experts are now coining the “Stanford Malibu…
In effort to boost patient care, Vaden replaces CAPS with Dr. Gregory House
In addition to establishing a Walgreens pharmacy inside the building at 866 Campus Drive, Vaden announced the hiring of world-renowned diagnostician Dr. Gregory House.
Tracking bricks at Eurotrash
SATIRE: Most bricks at and around KSig remained stationary throughout Friday evening. However, there was one such brick — perhaps on its own accord — that changed position to that of a police officer’s.
Susie Brubaker-Cole tackles cop outside KSig to get frat suspended
SATIRE: “The suspect used she/her pronouns, wore glasses, had gray hair and was carrying a 100-page booklet titled ‘ResX Task Force Final Report: Our Vision for Stanford’s Undergraduate Residences,’” the officer told a possibly drunk Daily reporter.
Kamala Harris pledges to combat climate change by locking up the carbon dioxide
Harris’s plan, titled “Prosecute the Pollution,” would direct local and state law enforcement to round up carbon dioxide molecules, hold them in jail without bail and pursue life sentences without chance for parole.
New at Stanford Bookstore: Cardinal Scents, with flavors ranging from Band Run to Naturdays
Stanford Bookstore’s “freshest” additions to its stock of dorm essentials this year features a new line of air fresheners called “Cardinal Scents.” The scents, ranging from Band Run to Naturday, are available as disposable car fresheners, aerosol sprays and essential oils. Read on for The Daily’s top picks from our new favorite aromatherapy line.
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