SATIRE: “I know college is supposed to be a life-changing experience, but I just can’t throw away my 6-by-8-foot poster of Richard Petty without also throwing away who I am,” Grogan explained.

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SATIRE: “Are you applying to the IntroSem at Full Moon on the Quad?” practices one incoming freshman. “Let’s pregame at Arrillaga — my favorite dining hall!”

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SATIRE: “Trust me, I’m very passionate about the roundness of the Earth,” claimed one Stanford Earth professor. “But there is lots of good research funded by well-meaning science deniers, which justifies compromising our principles.”

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Stanford RAs are reporting symptoms like “slowly deteriorating into the netherworld” and “sadness” as their residents begin forgetting their existence.

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SATIRE: “It seems that those years and years of research, trials and testing that were put into making this vaccine were, in fact, real.”

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SATIRE: To help ease the transition to virtual learning, we put together a list of super fun Zoom backgrounds to put a smile on anyone’s face!

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“Look, my team and I have played around a lot and we tend to think that Elmer’s ‘Washable Clear School Glue’ works best,” Newsom confidently informed reporters.

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SATIRE: We asked our readers to share what they've been up to while stuck inside.

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The beloved Mr. Owl tested positive for COVID-19. Even more unsettling, Tootsie Roll Industries alerted the nation that he had been licking every lollipop in production since 1970.

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We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers.

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Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball.

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In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend.

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SATIRE: Would you have been able to tell it wasn't written by a human being?

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Prepare your apathy — it’s student government election season! Prospective candidates filed for ASSU elections last week

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In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop. “One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient.…

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SATIRE: In addition to updating dates, the professor also went to great lengths to ensure his syllabus included the latest edition of the textbook he authored.

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SATIRE: We did our research on this one, folks. Wikipedia says Jesus' first birth took place around 4 B.C., making this Christmas the 2,023rd birth of Jesus Christ.

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SATIRE: We compiled a list of headlines you missed while on winter break to keep you informed on the exciting things Stanford students are doing!

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SATIRE: While Stanford owned the classes for the past nine years, it and the third floor of Sweet Hall now have to translocate to Berkeley.

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SATIRE: Like the rest of campus, I, too, eagerly awaited the results of the Marriage Pact. At midnight, I anxiously opened up the email and my match was a name I didn’t recognize: Cole Brubaker-Susie.

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SATIRE: It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.

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You may have heard of trends like the paleo or keto diet, but the latest health fad captivating the nation actually originates here, inside the dorms at Stanford. Even though the Farm is globally recognized as a hub of innovation and genius, nobody could have predicted what health experts are now coining the “Stanford Malibu…

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In addition to establishing a Walgreens pharmacy inside the building at 866 Campus Drive, Vaden announced the hiring of world-renowned diagnostician Dr. Gregory House.

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SATIRE: Most bricks at and around KSig remained stationary throughout Friday evening. However, there was one such brick — perhaps on its own accord — that changed position to that of a police officer’s.

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