SATIRE: “Back in December, only 400 people were dying per day in California — it was truly a different time," wrote admin. "Now, it’s 500 people per day.”

•

According to a spokesperson, the decision was based on an algorithm that took into account various factors like exposure to patients, vulnerability to the virus, likeability, status in society and something Stanford Medicine described as “objective worth to us.” Premed students are the future doctors, thus it makes sense to ensure their safety first.

•

SATIRE: What qualifies a random 20-year-old to make the laws in this nation? Well, Gavin, let me convince you.

•

SATIRE: For legal reasons… don’t try any of these.

•

SATIRE: Unrelated Noun constantly collects user’s data, so it can tailor a better experience to each person, changing the way we think about social media.

•

After receiving complaints about their unrealistic testing policies, the Department of Chemistry responded by dropping the portion of their weekly exams that forced students to juggle beakers brimming with corrosive acid on camera while simultaneously reciting all 118 elements of the periodic table in order of their electronegativities.

•

DEAR ABBY: I’ve recently come to believe that one of my professors is a member of the domestic terrorist organization known as Antifa.

•

SATIRE: Inspired by Allied-occupied Germany, the zones of occupation define varying levels of access for community members.

•

SATIRE: The logic is simple. The cost of an in-person education at Stanford last year was $52,857. It only follows, then, that the cost of a completely remote education — devoid of Stanford’s resources — should be more. Let’s say, 5% more!

•

SATIRE: “I know college is supposed to be a life-changing experience, but I just can’t throw away my 6-by-8-foot poster of Richard Petty without also throwing away who I am,” Grogan explained.

•

SATIRE: “Are you applying to the IntroSem at Full Moon on the Quad?” practices one incoming freshman. “Let’s pregame at Arrillaga — my favorite dining hall!”

•

SATIRE: “Trust me, I’m very passionate about the roundness of the Earth,” claimed one Stanford Earth professor. “But there is lots of good research funded by well-meaning science deniers, which justifies compromising our principles.”

•

Stanford RAs are reporting symptoms like “slowly deteriorating into the netherworld” and “sadness” as their residents begin forgetting their existence.

•

SATIRE: “It seems that those years and years of research, trials and testing that were put into making this vaccine were, in fact, real.”

•

SATIRE: To help ease the transition to virtual learning, we put together a list of super fun Zoom backgrounds to put a smile on anyone’s face!

•

“Look, my team and I have played around a lot and we tend to think that Elmer’s ‘Washable Clear School Glue’ works best,” Newsom confidently informed reporters.

•

SATIRE: We asked our readers to share what they've been up to while stuck inside.

•

The beloved Mr. Owl tested positive for COVID-19. Even more unsettling, Tootsie Roll Industries alerted the nation that he had been licking every lollipop in production since 1970.

•

We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers.

•

Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball.

•

In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend.

•

SATIRE: Would you have been able to tell it wasn't written by a human being?

•

Prepare your apathy — it’s student government election season! Prospective candidates filed for ASSU elections last week

•

In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop. “One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient.…

•