Satire by Patrick Monreal
So here’s the deal, Gavin. After stealing the election with fraudulent mail-in ballots, Senator Kamala Harris is set to become the next vice president of the United States, meaning you get to appoint her replacement. California certainly has its fair share of qualified candidates — from Attorney General Xavier Becerra ’80 J.D. ’84 to former “Gilmore Girls” star Lauren Graham.
While “Senator Lorelai Gilmore” has a nice ring to it, I have found the perfect candidate to represent our great state at the national level: me. I know what you’re thinking (because Gavin Newsom is definitely reading this); what qualifies a random 20-year-old to make the laws in this nation? Well, Gavin, let me convince you:
- Resident of California: I have lived in this state my entire life and know a lot about the Gold Rush and stuff. In fact, did you know that the California gray whale is the state’s official marine mammal? I bet you didn’t — maybe I should take your job, too. Also, can we look into changing that to the sea otter?
- Jim Inhofe Exists: Jim Inhofe, famed climate denier, once called global warming the “greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people,” and he is in the Senate. I at least sort of believe in climate change. That has to count for something.
- Youth: As a young person, I can help the state understand what other young persons want. I even have TikTok and Twitter. One time, a tweet of mine received over 500 likes. I know the Constitution says you have to be 30 years old to become a U.S. Senator, but why do we still listen to that thing anyways? Around 1787, the average life expectancy of a man was 38. Today, it’s somewhere near 73. If we use the logic of the framers, we shouldn’t elect people until they are 62 years old. Ridiculous! I say throw it out.
- Experience with Senate: As a wee little news editor at The Daily, I covered Undergraduate Senate not once, but twice. As such, I am very familiar with the inner workings of a senate. My close observation of Stanford’s has taught me what NOT to do. Also, I served as my class vice president in high school, so, at this point, some might say I am overqualified.
- Taco Bell for All: As a U.S. Senator, I promise to finally bring the nation what it wants: a Taco Bell on every corner. My Taco Bell for All plan will subsidize the hell out of Baja Blasts and Crunchwrap Supremes. You think I’m joking but we basically do this with the dairy industry, anyway.
Welp, Gavin, I have said what I needed to say. I hope you seriously consider Senator Patrick Monreal. And if you don’t, I will have to write another article about your hair. I will also gladly accept an appointment to Senator Dianne Feinstein’s ’55 seat when it becomes available. Maybe I can do both at once.
For supplementary reading, Gavin, please refer to this lengthy compilation of my other achievements.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal (especially if you are Gavin Newsom) at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.