Gov. Newsom briefs California: ‘Yes, I individually glue each hair in position every morning’

“Also, coronavirus is still happening.”

Satire by

The uncertainty surrounding the era of COVID-19 has left Californians with many questions. When can we go back to school? How long will we have social distancing? Why did Bill Gates create this virus? Where does Joe Exotic find his husbands?

In a press briefing last week, Gov. Gavin Newsom attempted to put the state at ease, answering the question on everyone’s mind.

“Yes, I individually glue each hair in position every morning.”

His announcement had quite the opposite of his intended effect, sending shockwaves throughout the nation. Voters were left confused and unsettled.

“I guess I was naïve to think that his perfectly manicured head of hair was natural, but I voted for this guy purely because our last governor was bald,” said local well-respected water fountain architect Doug Birchland. “I thought things would be different this time, y’know?”

Reporters at the press conference pushed Newsom further, giving insight into his haircare routine.

“Look, my team and I have played around a lot and we’ve found that Elmer’s ‘Washable Clear School Glue’ works best,” he confidently announced. “You can’t see it, it’s non-toxic and comes out in the shower. Things like Gorilla Glue are too strong and standard gels just can’t handle my mane.”

Political analysts believe this could break the ice for more governors and leaders to reveal their unique beauty secrets. That said, Gov. Northam, we don’t want anything to do with your face masks.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.